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#6272 - 05 Apr 06 10:05 Joke
Magpie Offline

Registered: 29 Mar 06
Posts: 1306
Loc: The Toon
An older couple, Ray and Bessie, live in Texas.

Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home,
walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "nope."

Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and
walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different:

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll
be hanging down again tomorrow.


To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
"People say funny things......."

Peter Kay

#6273 - 08 Apr 06 14:32 Re: Joke
Diyu Offline

Registered: 12 Nov 05
Posts: 324
Loc: new zealand
For the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband
decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied.
"What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "
University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies,
"I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
"honey, what do you think the neighbors
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said -
Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...
you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent,
good looking, sensitive man?
A: Rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's,
were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them
and said that because they had been so good
that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!


Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.


Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean
when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders
kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Here pussy pussy

#6274 - 08 Apr 06 14:45 Re: Joke
Dilli Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 26 Feb 06
Posts: 8044
Loc: Nearest Bar
Not A Joke - Real Life!

When my daughter was 5, she came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me she'd dropped her toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the rubbish bin! She stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. She held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
Menace to Sobriety

#6275 - 08 Apr 06 14:46 Re: Joke
Diyu Offline

Registered: 12 Nov 05
Posts: 324
Loc: new zealand
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
>discovered that people with very low intellect read their e-mails with
>their hand on the mouse.
>Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late . : )
Here pussy pussy

#6276 - 08 Apr 06 14:56 Re: Joke
Dilli Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 26 Feb 06
Posts: 8044
Loc: Nearest Bar
Laptop, touchpad!
Menace to Sobriety

#6277 - 12 Apr 06 21:14 Re: Joke
hugh Offline

Registered: 12 Apr 06
Posts: 1
Loc: Jakarta
Men Vs Women

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw a
$20,even thought it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE (Too true to be considered humorous)
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and fu nerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed (or so they think)
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING -- Ah children
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments, romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret, fears
and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Any married man should forget his mistakes.There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses
and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws." The fight is now officially on again!!

#6278 - 17 Apr 06 09:26 Re: Joke
KuKuKaChu Moderator Offline
Pooh Bah

Registered: 09 Oct 05
Posts: 10790
Loc: Centre of the Universe

David, Candice, whatever
This Abject World
(555) 555-5555

I have no objective. What's the point when cold death is the final destination for us all? Can you explain that to me? I know I'm supposed to put something here, though, so here goes: Your objective is to hire me into a challenging position in a computer-applications-based field within which you feel I can "make a difference" and "contribute" in a team environment.


Bachelor of "Science" in Computer Applications, University of Washington

B.S., all right. It tickles me greatly that vapid, hornswoggled employers place so much emphasis on scholastic aptitude and higher education, as if knowing the Pythagorean theorem could shield me from the stygian pointlessness of mortality or the lurid abyss of imminent nonexistence. Of course, I use the word "tickles" figuratively, since I feel absolutely nothing.

Skills are valueless and only serve temporarily to bolster the trembling egos of the sheeple of this wretched world. I eschew all so-called personal development, instead dying under the premise that, when I'm a biodegrading mess of worm feed hopelessly buried beneath a fathom of dark earth, being able to type 70 words a minute really won't do me a modicum of what you so ignorantly refer to as "good."

Microsoft Excel, PowerPoint, Access; UNIX; Lotus 123.

Work Experience:
Lead Sales Representative, Howard Brothers Trucking Co. (June 2003 to present)

As the leading sales representative at Howard Brothers, I implemented a new invoicing database lauded by my maudlin, foolhardy management team as "wonderfully efficient and surprisingly self-explanatory." Why any of this mattered, I don't know or care.

As far as being a "leader" goes, I wasn't leading anyone or anything. Death is the great leveler, leading us all. Or not. Again, who cares, really?

Sales Clerk, Hot Topic (January 2001 to June 2003)

Employee of the month 29 consecutive times.

It pains me (again, being loose with the language here) to think that one could be so ridiculous as to maintain any sort of attachment to this-worldly tangibles, concepts, or other such contemptible ephemera.

I'll admit I play tennis, although I don't keep score and insist that when my deluded partner does he use the terms "zero" or "nothingness" instead of "love," a superfluous notion.

I also read a bit of Baudelaire, for what it's worth, which is nothing.

Mankind, in its self-congratulatory revelry, will finally come to realize that all forms of kudos simply blind us from the solitary incontrovertible truth: life is a hollow shell of nil.

Once, during my younger days, in an ultimately nugatory proclamation (is there any other kind?) of my desensitized attitude toward accolades and gifts, I coined the phrase "He who dies with the most toys ... still dies." A bumper-sticker company then offered me a large sum of money for the rights to this phrase. I told them to keep it and give it to someone or something that mattered, which I guess was my way of making a joke (back before I realized how asinine and fruitless such a thing was).

This section seems a bit silly. But not like ha-ha silly. I mean ineffectual, obviously.
KuKuKaChu: dangerously too sophisticated


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