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#57161 - 24 Jul 07 10:02 The Gubernator II
riccardo Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 12 Oct 05
Posts: 2195
Loc: Jakarta
I've looked at the campaign promises of the Jakarta governor candidates and have come to the conclusion that neither of these dipwads will be able sort this city out, so I've decided to run as a write-in candidate.
If you have your voting card, just go to the polls on August 8, and with a big red marker, CROSS OUT the names of Fuzzy Bozo and Gen'l Adang and WRITE IN: RICCARDO

Because this is what I've got planned:

TRAFFIC:
-- Ban all SUVs on DKI roads from 6am to Midnight

-- Give tax amnesty for next 5 years to people that buy/drive subcompacts and dealers that sell/import them.

-- No trucks (with more than 4 wheels) on any road in DKI from 6am to Midnight

-- No old buses allowed on busway routes

-- No new busway routes

-- accelerate subway/monorail development (must be done within 1 year or contractor pays $1mn/day

-- No more toll booths

-- Cut the Angkot/micromini/regular buses down by 75% and teach the drivers of those the rules of the road. If they are reported for breaking a rule - license suspended for 5 years.

-- No more private motorcycles on DKI roads from 6am to midnight (fully registered/licensed Ojeks are okay, and company couriers are okay)

-- Clear the streets of roadside vendors/illegal parkers, violators will be executed on the spot.

-- Make nice covered bicycle lanes and pedestrian walkways (to keep the rain and sun off), so people can commute by bike and on foot like every other major metropolis in the world

-- Build humongous parking garages underground, accommodating 90% of parking spaces required.

-- Improve/revamp/refurbish/expand network of above-ground trains for commuters to enjoy

-- All these developments will done by responsible private, foreign companies with the use of Indonesian laborers at a fixed labor price OF $3 per day. There will be competitive, open bids and the developers will get at least a 50% financial stake in each project, e.g. parking garage, subway.



SLUMS/HOUSING


-- Open up bidding to foreign companies to build low-cost apartment high rise buildings on the site of each slum. The incentive for the developer is that the land will be given free by the city.

-- The city will also provide free water and electric and LPG gas (piped in through the building, no need for the big canisters).

-- Former slum dwellers/poor people occupy the units of the apartment building and pay nominal rent of $20/month directly to developer.

-- Each apartment block will have a plethora of sports facilities and free coaching provided by the city.



HOUSES OF WORSHIP

-- With property and space at a premium, we'll have to DEMOLISH ALL MOSQUES, except the two or three really big, iconic ones (e.g. isqlital).

-- And to be "equitable", we'll demolish all the churches, synagogues and temples except for the two or three big iconic ones.

-- In the space made available by these demolished houses of worship, we'll build well-maintained and professionally managed sports/games/arts facilities for people of all ages to enjoy

-- No more prayer calls or sermons from any religious sect can be broadcast over speakers to the public at large.

-- With all the local imams out of work, they have two choices, go back to their villages in the hinterland OR learn a trade that will be useful to a productive society. If they don't agree to one of those options, they will be forced to work as slave labor at all the new pig farms and pork-processing facilities.



POLICE:

-- Terminate all the current police officers and send them back to their hinterland villages. If they were born in DKI, they have the option of learning a trade that might be useful to a productive society. If they refuse both options, they will be executed on the spot.

-- Ask a coalition of "friendly" countries to contribute thousands of men to come in and literally re-make the police force from the ground up, starting from the recruits to the training and finally into service. Meanwhile, for the next 5 years, the foreign police (e.g. Singaporeans, Japanese, Germans, Russians, Chinese, N. Koreans, ISRAELIS...) will be responsible for law enforcement in the city alongside local trainees.


MILITARY


-- demolish all barracks, training grounds in the city

-- Send all soldiers to other regions

-- Decommission all DKI-born soldiers and convert them to paid, semipro rugby players/AmericanFootball players for the new DKI rugby league and American football league.

-- The only "military" buildings/facilities should be the defense ministry office.

-- With the land made available, build parks with ponds and lots of doves.



SEX

-- Free

-- Treat those who've chosen the "oldest profession" with proper professional respect. Allow them free access to condoms and vital medicine.

-- Require the workers to pay their fair share of income taxes, all forms will be provided.

-- It's nobody's business except the two (or more) consenting partners.

-- Anybody who smashes the offices of a risque magazine or dance club will be executed on the spot.

-- Tax incentives for nightclub owners


ALCOHOL

-- Mandatory in all restaurants, warungs, clubs, apartments, office buildings and, of course, bars.

-- Maximum price of no more than 50% above wholesale price (i.e. small bottle of Bintang -- wholesale price = Rp5,000 therefore the max price any establishment can charge is Rp7,500)

-- Establishments such as the Arya Duta Hotel, which have been charging people Rp60,000 for a small bottle of warm bintang (that's a 1,200% mark up!!!), will be converted to a brewery and all staff and management and owners executed on the spot.

--WE will rewrite a few laws to allow a gentleman to have a cold beer and watch some beaver dance around a pole.
(special request from H.E. ChewwyUK)

------------


More to come later: Hopefully my vice governor, H.E. Kukukachu, will offer his insights on what can be done for the bureaucracy and business development/incentives...
_________________________
Just here proffering my pearls to swine, my throat to wolves and my trousers to the flagpole.

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#57162 - 24 Jul 07 10:42 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: riccardo]
riccardo Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 12 Oct 05
Posts: 2195
Loc: Jakarta
MORE PLANS:

DKI COUNCIL (DPRD)

-- This will be entirely abolished

-- The money saved on their salaries, benefits and "facilities" will be allocated to Chinese-Indonesian businesspeople to set up new businesses throughout the city.

-- The councilors and all their relatives will be sent back to their villages OR, if DKI-born, given a no-pay job as a custodian at the newly expanded/refurbished city zoo. If they refuse those options they will be locked up in a special cell and made to read high quality books on good governance for their rest of their natural lives.

-- All of the assets of the former governor/vice governor and councilors for the past 10 years will be seized by the city and allocated to schools and health facilities.

-- The new governor (me) will be paid a nominal salary of 1 Rupiah per year.

_________________________
Just here proffering my pearls to swine, my throat to wolves and my trousers to the flagpole.

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#57163 - 24 Jul 07 10:45 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: riccardo]
Dilli Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 26 Feb 06
Posts: 8044
Loc: Nearest Bar
I'm waiting for the complete budget proposals here!
_________________________
Menace to Sobriety


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#57165 - 24 Jul 07 10:58 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: Dilli]
riccardo Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 12 Oct 05
Posts: 2195
Loc: Jakarta
Quoting: Dilli
I'm waiting for the complete budget proposals here!


My vice gubernator, H.E. Kukakachu, will be providing those ASAP.

But, I can tell you this much. This city is one of the top 10 wealthiest in the world in terms of volume and revenue -- so don't let the "3rd World" mentality fool you. There is a ton of money here, but most is being skimmed off or thrown away or illegally diverted.

Taxes will be collected in an orderly, systematic manner and will be fair. ALL projects will be handled by private, foreign firms, which will get a financial stake of at least 50% in each project -- (i.e. water, transportation, electric, high-rise apartments, parking garages...).

Transparent, publicly available budgets and expenditures will be on the internet in real-time. A computerized system of checks and balances will be in place for all budgets and expenditures thereof.


Any taxman or other bureaucrat SUSPECTED for graft or fiddling with the books, will be executed on the spot.


AND ONE MORE THING: All people involved with budgets, taxes, finances will be Chinese-Indonesians or foreign consultants (from developed 1st world countries) paid by a consortium of UN member states. No pribumis will be allowed anywhere near the city's money.
_________________________
Just here proffering my pearls to swine, my throat to wolves and my trousers to the flagpole.

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#57171 - 24 Jul 07 12:31 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: riccardo]
emmajkt Offline
Member*

Registered: 02 Mar 07
Posts: 698
Loc: here, there and everywhere
hehehehe.. yeah sure. I vote for you ricc
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bla bla bla






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#57181 - 24 Jul 07 13:20 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: emmajkt]
Piss Salon Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 27 Jun 06
Posts: 4039
Loc: Jakpus
-- No more private motorcycles on DKI roads from 6am to midnight (fully registered/licensed Ojeks are okay, and company couriers are okay)

Ummmm, there are many of the above points that I don't obviously agree with but this one would help the city how? What if say only 10 percent of former bike riders upgraded to motorvehicles? I agree motorcyclists need to stick to the left, but is the same for all road users. All need to learn to stick to their lanes, indicate when changing lanes and wait three seconds before doing so. And of course allow others to overtake. This applies for motoryclists wishing to do so. Further, buses (ones that pass stringent emmission tests) are never allowed to use the right lane. No exceptions.
_________________________
place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes

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#57182 - 24 Jul 07 13:25 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: Piss Salon]
riccardo Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 12 Oct 05
Posts: 2195
Loc: Jakarta
[x] [riccardo] The councilors and all their relatives will be sent back to their villages OR, if DKI-born, given a no-pay job as a custodian at the newly expanded/refurbished city zoo. If they refuse those options they will be locked up in a special cell and made to read high quality books on good governance for the rest of their natural lives.
[x] [KuKuKaChu] just shoot the fuckers.
[x] [riccardo] That's why you're my vice governor. It would be more painful for them to read a book on good governance
[x] [KuKuKaChu] so they can;'t breed
[x] [KuKuKaChu] let's take everything back to year 0
[x] [riccardo] So can you sort out all the paraphernalia for our campaign --- t-shirts, spanduk, posters,...
[x] [riccardo] Perhaps Dilli can make us a logo and stuff with photoshop
[x] [KuKuKaChu] flash disks
[x] [KuKuKaChu] writing sets
[x] [KuKuKaChu] diaries
[x] [KuKuKaChu] electronic translators
[x] [KuKuKaChu] all with the Team Riccardo logo
[x] [riccardo] We'll need to do some fund-raising too, so send out requests to everyone on your email lists to deposit money direclty to our account
[x] [KuKuKaChu] and sponsorship logos from okusi ;\)
[x] [riccardo] In-kind gifts of goats can be handled by Kenneth
[x] [KuKuKaChu] political direct marketing is one of my specialities ...
_________________________
Just here proffering my pearls to swine, my throat to wolves and my trousers to the flagpole.

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#57222 - 24 Jul 07 19:54 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: Piss Salon]
riccardo Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 12 Oct 05
Posts: 2195
Loc: Jakarta

Quoting: Piss Salon
-- No more private motorcycles on DKI roads from 6am to midnight (fully registered/licensed Ojeks are okay, and company couriers are okay)

... this one would help the city how? What if say only 10 percent of former bike riders upgraded to motorvehicles?


Maybe you missed this bit a couple paragraphs below:
Make nice covered bicycle lanes and pedestrian walkways (to keep the rain and sun off), so people can commute by bike and on foot like every other major metropolis in the world

If we have efficient busway, subway and monorail systems, folks can get where they need to go. Don't forget, there will also be taxis and registered Ojeks and Bajaj. Others should walk or cycle, as they do in every other major city. Look at London, New York, Hong Kong, Tokyo... what is it about Indonesians that makes them so averse to walking or riding a bicycle? Fear of exercise? Insanely attached to this kampungan mentality to satisfy their delusional 'gengsi' ideas about having a car or motorcycle?

Good gracious, if there were bike nice bicycle lanes, I'd ride around the city everyday just for the heck of it.

Which reminds me...
Every office that currently has a "musholla" (muzzie prayer room) must convert those to shower rooms for commuters who walk, jog or cycle to the office.
_________________________
Just here proffering my pearls to swine, my throat to wolves and my trousers to the flagpole.

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#57242 - 25 Jul 07 09:41 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: The Great Gonzo]
Choc_Cow Offline
Member**

Registered: 25 May 06
Posts: 1200
Loc: Di Puncak
What about graveyards ricc? they take too much space, recycle it on your own backyard? Or maybe there should be a mandatory cremation.. and ashes are not to be thrown in the sea (Pollution).

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#57247 - 25 Jul 07 09:53 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: Choc_Cow]
doremi Offline
Member+++

Registered: 17 Jan 07
Posts: 488
Loc: slouch couch
Graveyard in your own backyard? I kind of like the idea of no commute to visit your (dead)loved ones.

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#57267 - 25 Jul 07 11:36 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: Choc_Cow]
riccardo Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 12 Oct 05
Posts: 2195
Loc: Jakarta
Quoting: Chocolatea
What about graveyards ricc? they take too much space, recycle it on your own backyard? Or maybe there should be a mandatory cremation.. and ashes are not to be thrown in the sea (Pollution).


I was just thinking about this very thing this morning as I drove by a cemetery! Definitely plow these up and make way for either green parks or low-cost, high-rise apartments. As far as future burials, that's simple, we just do as the Khmer Rouge did -- use all the bodies for high-nutrient fertilizer! The crushed bones and blood will be great for crops and we could send this fantastic, organic fertilizer all over the country, giving it away free to the hinterland farmers.
_________________________
Just here proffering my pearls to swine, my throat to wolves and my trousers to the flagpole.

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#57305 - 25 Jul 07 16:35 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: riccardo]
Piss Salon Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 27 Jun 06
Posts: 4039
Loc: Jakpus
Quoting: riccardo
Quoting: Chocolatea
What about graveyards ricc? they take too much space, recycle it on your own backyard? Or maybe there should be a mandatory cremation.. and ashes are not to be thrown in the sea (Pollution).


I was just thinking about this very thing this morning as I drove by a cemetery! Definitely plow these up and make way for either green parks or low-cost, high-rise apartments. As far as future burials, that's simple, we just do as the Khmer Rouge did -- use all the bodies for high-nutrient fertilizer! The crushed bones and blood will be great for crops and we could send this fantastic, organic fertilizer all over the country, giving it away free to the hinterland farmers.


Cemetaries are actually catergorized by council as green space. They claim anything to make up the so-called 10 percent of the city being allocated as such. Even the Forestry Ministry has been classed as such.

Anyway, people actually do use the cemetaries for picnics and the like and there is no better place for the kids to fly thier kites.

Regarding cycling. You aint going to catch me on a bicycle, peddling to work in a suit. It's hot enough work on a motorcycle.
_________________________
place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes

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#57313 - 25 Jul 07 17:28 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: Piss Salon]
riccardo Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 12 Oct 05
Posts: 2195
Loc: Jakarta
Quoting: Piss Salon

Regarding cycling. You aint going to catch me on a bicycle, peddling to work in a suit. It's hot enough work on a motorcycle.


Well that's why I made the point above about requiring all offices to convert their mushollas into shower/change rooms for active commuters, who choose to jog, walk or cycle to work.

_________________________
Just here proffering my pearls to swine, my throat to wolves and my trousers to the flagpole.

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#57330 - 25 Jul 07 23:22 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: Capt. Mainwaring]
riccardo Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 12 Oct 05
Posts: 2195
Loc: Jakarta
It says an awful lot about ignorant kampungan people who fixate on having big "gengsi" cars/SUVs. We'll all have to become content with our sporty, little gas-efficient city cars or bicycles or subway pass -- much like the folks in Paris, Hong Kong, London, Tokyo, Rome etc, have managed to do... WE can zip in and out of traffic and park in places others can't and we won't be ruining the environment as much. Why should any true Jakartan need to satisfy the gengsi kampungan family thing with a big ugly SUV? We all need to get well beyond the need for all that childish BS, like properly chic urbanites.

For all the poor, sad, creepy, obsessed, fixated dipwads stuck in that Kampungan mindset of having to show off a big, ugly gaz-guzzling tank, we say there's no place for you in Jakarta, so 'on yer bike'.

You can take the kampungan hillbilly rednecks out of their little sad kampungs, but you can't take the kampung mentality out of them, so the NEW JAKARTA will not be a place for them unless they are willing to make a real effort to change.

At the theater or meetings or company dinner parties, any kampungan dipwads that keep their cell phones on and talk stupidly loud when someone calls, blow their noses loudly, reach across everyone's face for the salt, order the most expensive item on the menu when others are paying, don't ask others for permission to smoke, burp loudly, pick teeth, pick nose, use the wrong spoon for the soup, slurp the soup and drink too much and get overly sloppy when the alcohol is paid for by someone else will be dealt with. Anyone found, reported or suspected of doing any of these things will be executed on the spot.

Fare-thee-well, Pvt. Whingekampungan and your ilk, fare-thee-well.
_________________________
Just here proffering my pearls to swine, my throat to wolves and my trousers to the flagpole.

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#57335 - 26 Jul 07 07:00 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: riccardo]
Dilli Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 26 Feb 06
Posts: 8044
Loc: Nearest Bar
Fuck me, even Southpark was not as much fun as this!
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Menace to Sobriety


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#57336 - 26 Jul 07 07:13 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: Dilli]
Shesca Offline
Member*

Registered: 12 Aug 06
Posts: 852
Loc: Jakarta
smile
_________________________
If you can't describe what you are doing as a process, you don't know what you're doing.

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#57348 - 26 Jul 07 07:55 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: riccardo]
riccardo Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 12 Oct 05
Posts: 2195
Loc: Jakarta
Every vote counts, so get out there and do your civic duty

x] [riccardo] don't forget to vote for me 10 times or more
[x] [riccardo] and tell all your cousins in Jakarta to "tulis riccardo"
[x] [Dilli] Vote Ric! You know it makes sense!
[x] [KuKuKaChu] vote early! vote often!
[x] [Shesca] im 31 but I never vote in my life.
[x] [riccardo] There's a place in Glodok where you can get 100 voter cards per person
[x] [Dilli] Puff Daddy will be after you with his "Vote or Die" campaign
[x] [riccardo] Shesca tell 100 friends to do that
[x] [Dilli] Those of Chinese extraction are not being given the right to vote
[x] [riccardo] One report I saw stated that over 65% of eligible voters were unable to register
[x] [Shesca] yeah, I did.
[x] [Shesca] But I don't give a damn who's elected
[x] [Shesca] so why vote?
[x] [riccardo] ANd that in some kampungs, some people were registered 100 times
[x] [riccardo] It's all a big fucking royally screwed SHAM
[x] [Shesca] when is the election day anyway
[x] [riccardo] That's why it's incumbent upon everyone to vote for me and my running mate H.E. Kukukachu
[x] [riccardo] August 8, Shesca
[x] [Shesca] ok. May be I should just vote for you. At least I know what's in your agenda
[x] [riccardo] EXACTLY!!!!!
_________________________
Just here proffering my pearls to swine, my throat to wolves and my trousers to the flagpole.

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#57350 - 26 Jul 07 07:57 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: riccardo]
Dilli Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 26 Feb 06
Posts: 8044
Loc: Nearest Bar
[x] [Dilli] Vote Ric! Vote Mong! You know it makes sense!




Edited by Dilli (27 Jul 07 06:59)
Edit Reason: Undoing a Riccarado Edit

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#57355 - 26 Jul 07 08:15 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: Dilli]
chewwyUK Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 14 Sep 06
Posts: 2392
Loc: Jakarta
Ric i will join your campaign if you can promise that you will open up the laws to allow a gentleman to have a cold beer and watch some beaver dance around a pole
_________________________
Edited by Piss Salon
Edit Reason: taste

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#57356 - 26 Jul 07 08:16 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: chewwyUK]
riccardo Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 12 Oct 05
Posts: 2195
Loc: Jakarta
It's already there. See the sections in the original post on SEX and ALCOHOL
_________________________
Just here proffering my pearls to swine, my throat to wolves and my trousers to the flagpole.

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#57359 - 26 Jul 07 08:23 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: chewwyUK]
Dilli Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 26 Feb 06
Posts: 8044
Loc: Nearest Bar
A new Go Go just opened. Standard Chrome Pole palace downstairs, but the second level has a glass floor and, you guessed it, the hostesses who work on the upper level have no underwear!


Attachments
2366-glassfloor.jpg


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Menace to Sobriety


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#57361 - 26 Jul 07 08:26 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: Dilli]
riccardo Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 12 Oct 05
Posts: 2195
Loc: Jakarta
These will be as ubiquitous as warungs, on every street corner, in the New Jakarta if you vote RICCARDO.
_________________________
Just here proffering my pearls to swine, my throat to wolves and my trousers to the flagpole.

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#57362 - 26 Jul 07 08:27 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: riccardo]
Dilli Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 26 Feb 06
Posts: 8044
Loc: Nearest Bar
OK,

How about a street called "Jalan Ball Massage"

http://www.2thebigmango.com/?p=355
_________________________
Menace to Sobriety


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#57363 - 26 Jul 07 08:32 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: Dilli]
riccardo Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 12 Oct 05
Posts: 2195
Loc: Jakarta
We can get that done.
_________________________
Just here proffering my pearls to swine, my throat to wolves and my trousers to the flagpole.

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#57381 - 26 Jul 07 15:05 Re: The Gubernator II [Re: riccardo]
riccardo Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 12 Oct 05
Posts: 2195
Loc: Jakarta
This is who I'm competing with, paid-off rent-a-mobs that cause traffic??? They're "supported" by these losers, ingrates, thugs, illiterates? Do any of these people even know how to write, let alone fill in a registration card?

Okay, here's the deal, vote for Riccardo and you'll never again see any of these people in Jakarta as long as you live.

-----------------------------------------------------------
FROM JP STORY ON ELECTION CAMPAIGN:
Hundreds of supporters of both candidates slowly march in street parades, clogging the way of other motorists.

...housewives, motorcycle taxi drivers and the un- and under-employed...

Sumiyati, a resident of Gajah Mada, West Jakarta, said being part of the campaign was adding some excitement to her daily life as a housewife.

"I love seeing the crowds, the music and the snacks,"


Adang and Dani left the hall with a convoy of motorcycles carrying the flags and banners of community groups the Betawi Brotherhood Forum (FBR) and Tenabang Bersatu.

The FBR sent 500 members from two sub-district posts in Central Jakarta to the campaign event. Almost all the members who came that day were ojek drivers.

One of the drivers, Hasan, said he came because Adang's campaign team had promised him to give him Rp 15,000 to recover transport expenses.

"It's better than just sitting around without passengers all day," he said.

The PKS chairman Tifatul Sembiring said the atmosphere at such campaign sessions was too noisy and euphoric for serious debate on any issues to occur.

Yayah, a housewife said: "I heard there would be transport expenses for us after the campaign, but I haven't seen the money."

Yohanes, who is jobless, acknowledged that he received Rp 20,000 from the head of the Prosperous Peace Party (PDS)'s branch to attend the Wednesday campaign meeting.
_________________________
Just here proffering my pearls to swine, my throat to wolves and my trousers to the flagpole.

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