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#51472 - 14 May 07 17:51 Troubled...
ChineseGal Offline
Member

Registered: 14 May 07
Posts: 15
Loc: Jakarta,Indonesia
Hi there all,
I'm a 20 something Chinese Indonesian girl who's in a relationship with a Caucasian in Jakarta. He's a high school teacher and our relationship has been going on for approximately 6 months. I think he's wonderful and supprotive and we are looking at a long term relationship.Unfortunately, my family (like most Chinese families)are not very welcome to anyone outside of the Chinese clan. My parents don't think that he's trustworthy, don't think that he has much of a future and today they showed me a chain email that's been going around that showed this bule teacher who has been preying on Chinese Indonesian girls for their money, complete with photos and all, as a warning to me. Supposedly this guy put up such a good front, (not drinking or smoking, doing charity etc) I took it pretty hard. They haven't met my boyfriend at all, and they have all sorts of prejudices against him. They are constantly thinking that he's trying to be with me because I am from a wealthy background.
I don't think that he's someone who's hopeless. I believe that he will have a bright future because he works really hard and has a good heart. He doesn't come from a wealthy background, but he's really trying.And he's a great teacher. He's very supportive of me and we have very good communication. We believe that this is a tough,but GOOD relationship.We have common goals in life. We have common views on many issues in life.
I'm just posting here to get any advices or if anyone can share any similar stories.. so that I can feel a little better...Thanks all....

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#51476 - 14 May 07 18:31 Re: Troubled... [Re: ChineseGal]
Gurumeister Offline
Member+

Registered: 08 Jan 07
Posts: 72
Loc: Indonesia
Your parents are just looking out for you. Maybe you can find out how he and yourself could possibly prove to them that he is genuine and good for you. If you can find out what they really want and what there real concerns are - maybe you can convince them (with his help and support of course).

All the best

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#51477 - 14 May 07 18:37 Re: Troubled... [Re: ChineseGal]
Queenie Offline
Member++

Registered: 06 Feb 07
Posts: 200
Loc: Earth
I know someone in the same situation, she is chinese and he is indonesian. Her parents dont accept it, i dont understand why. They dont like indonesian ppl but need them to work... dont make any sence... Anyway they love each other and they are trying to leave indonesia to try their luck in another country.
The only advice i have for you is that if you really love each other it will not be your family who will separate that love.
Try your luck and be strong!

Good Luck
_________________________
All the good things only last the necessary time to make it unforgettable...

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#51478 - 14 May 07 18:39 Re: Troubled... [Re: ChineseGal]
hetts Offline
Member+

Registered: 16 Jan 07
Posts: 52
Loc: New Zealand
hello CG. You're so luccky to have a family that love you. The first thing you might do is reaffirm to them that you love them and thank them for caring enough to inform you of such a dangerous situation. From their point of view there is alot at risk, not only traditions and heirlooms, but their precious princess. Then you are in a position to say, but fortunately this is not the guy.. he's different. it's then up to you to convince them, by somehow familiarising him to them. The unknown is so scary... esp. for the older generations. Be creative. Maybe set up a web cam , or a web site for you two that they can communicate to him through... you never know.. they might actually like it. Aren't we lucky we live in 2007 and have all the technology at our fingertips.... inmaguine how hard these things were in times past!
Then you need to point out to them, the benefits to them, of you persuing the relationship.. and perhaps remind them that you were a very result of someone venturing out to mix two cultures.....

All the best for your wonderful freindship... cleverness and beauty eh?! Certainly not beauty and the beast!!! Good luck CG.You hang on in there... it sounds very much like LOVE to me...

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#51479 - 14 May 07 18:44 Re: Troubled... [Re: Gurumeister]
Piss Salon Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 27 Jun 06
Posts: 4039
Loc: Jakpus
Generally, all men, regardless of race, are bastards and should not be trusted. Personally, 99 percent of expat teachers in Jakarta are losers and nothing good will come of shacking up with one.

However, part-time English teachers such as myself are extremely desirable and well worth shagging for pure, unadulterated joy. If you are up for it private message me and I will let you buy me dinner and breakfast.

Further, could you please post the chain letter and photos.
_________________________
place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes

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#51480 - 14 May 07 18:45 Re: Troubled... [Re: hetts]
hetts Offline
Member+

Registered: 16 Jan 07
Posts: 52
Loc: New Zealand
And just a quickie..before you do anything

1. Note your options
2. Work out what the likely consequences of those options are
3. Go for the options that have the best results ofr you all.

good luck, Hetty.

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#51481 - 14 May 07 20:23 Re: Troubled... [Re: hetts]
ChineseGal Offline
Member

Registered: 14 May 07
Posts: 15
Loc: Jakarta,Indonesia
Thank you all for replying...
Gurumeister:Yes,I've been trying to find out what they want. I know that they're looking out for me,but sometimes it gets very stifling. I don't know if it's the same in other families.

Queenie:yes there's a taboo in Indonesia about mixed marriages, especially Indonesian and Chinese. Sometimes I also thought of leaving Indonesia, so that we can live without social or family pressure.

Hetts: Thank you for your advices. Yes,I should feel lucky to have so many people who love me and look out for me. Just to clarify things,I am not a mix between Chinese and Indo, I'm a Chinese born in Indonesia.You rarely see mixed Chinese marriages here in Indonesia.
Yes I will weigh my options.I know that being with him means a more stormy relationship, but it also means good family and life values.And I believe that he will make a good father. Sure I can look for someone of my own race, of similar social position, but it also means that I might not be able to enjoy going to the parks or museums (things we like to do, which I don't see many Indonesian guys liking), I might not be able to talk about current events with him (we are CNN freaks), I might not meet someone who will resolve an issue so well with (when we have arguments, we always end it nicely at the end, and not let things hang), we have good communication, we have mutual physical attraction, and most importantly he respects me. He thinks I'm smart and capable of doing many things that I might think I won't be able to do. And he's supportive of me and happy that I'm willing to challenge myself and break from this comfortable zone that I live in.

Piss Salon: Thanks but no thanks smile I want to believe that my boyfriend is that 1% of the expat teacher who is not a looser.He's a business teacher, who holds a Masters degree in Business Management and Marketing. I believe that he's an intelligent and educated man.Don't you think?It's quite unfortunate that expat teachers are seen as loosers, because I've seen some good quality teachers who are passionate about what they teach and care sincerely for their students.
And the chain letter is actually printed out, not sent to my email.

At this point, I'm trying to work out what it is they want and to meet their demands. I know it's hard for my boyfriend because he feels like he has to prove things to people. He has tried his best, even getting a Head of Department position within 1.5 years of working in that school.I'm proud of him and believe that he's trying his best.
Another issue is that my parents don't speak a word of English. I can do translations for them of course...But my mom is just very reluctant to meet him.
I really hope I can meet them together, so that they will get to know him better and not fear the unknown. I hope things are not as bad as I thought it is.

At the end of the day, what comforts me is when we talk to each other and remind each other how much we love each other and how much we treasure each other's company.

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#51482 - 14 May 07 20:50 Re: Troubled... [Re: ChineseGal]
KuKuKaChu Moderator Offline
Pooh Bah

Registered: 09 Oct 05
Posts: 10790
Loc: Centre of the Universe
two words: kawin lari
_________________________
KuKuKaChu: dangerously too sophisticated

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#51483 - 14 May 07 21:34 Re: Troubled... [Re: ChineseGal]
terranova Offline
Member+

Registered: 15 Nov 06
Posts: 32
Loc: Jakarta
i m chinese indonesian girl like u too but i guess i m lucky that my big family gives me support for any decision i take. even my family is still have roots in china mainland and i m the second generation. maybe bcz i have many relatives abroad.. they marriage mix with many races.. korean, taiwanese, western, indonesian. we change stories.. and we know that races doesnt guarantee happy marriage... somehow my mom and dad has arguments (lol... they are same one races)...

my mom only have two condition she advices me when i start to like a man. both loves each other and same concept about wht future life we like to build. my mom said ... no really exactly formula for success marriage. every couple has its way to build. and race is not guarantee it going well.. yet my dad is bit difficult but by times he can accept my sis bf who is indonesian man (we are in big family no prob). i said to my sis ... dont hurt dad.. just see wht it takes . that guy loves my sis and good guy in life. they broke up and we sad bcz we like my sis with that guy. they broke up not bcz the race but not work out well.

i know it is hard for u , bcz i have some friends in ur conditions. pls dont feel uneasy as u are still young (20 is young ) dont make rush decision. somehow when we know someone or parents dont give blessing we forget that we have to see things objective but turn to be emotionaly to give kind of rush proven that we are right.

my point is u can go on with ur heart but listen to ur parents, listen to ur friends, listen to ur heart. u can be urself with ur own decision but still not hurt mom n dad feelings (even not 100% at least trying ur best) 20 is still long to go... just take ur time. just dont rush... love is not decision but a journey... so just joyride and safe with ur seat bealt smile good luck smile

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#51484 - 14 May 07 23:30 Re: Troubled... [Re: terranova]
ChineseGal Offline
Member

Registered: 14 May 07
Posts: 15
Loc: Jakarta,Indonesia
KuKuKaChu: Never crossed my mind wink Don't think running away is the answer.

Terranova:
Actually I'm 25 smile It's good that your family is understanding an more open minded to such issues. Not many Chinese families that I know are as open minded about it. They fear culture clash.I think your mom gives good advice.And I think we love each other and have the same views about our future. (How come my mom is not as rational.. grr...)I don't have any fears of him not being family oriented.I don't think I'm rushing to get married or anything, I just want a normal, healthy and happy relationship where the two sides can get along.

Thanks for the advices smile

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#51485 - 15 May 07 05:13 Re: Troubled... [Re: KuKuKaChu]
doremi Offline
Member+++

Registered: 17 Jan 07
Posts: 488
Loc: slouch couch
Quoting: KuKuKaChu
two words: kawin lari


Wouldn't risk it (kawin lari)- may loose the inheritance. For what? love??? Can't guarantee love, sugar! So stick with family and money.

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#51496 - 15 May 07 09:14 Re: Troubled... [Re: doremi]
chewwyUK Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 14 Sep 06
Posts: 2392
Loc: Jakarta
clearly your parents don't love or respect you enough. It's time to stop moaning like a little girl and act like a grown up. Tell your parents you love the guy and to respect your choice of partner. Make your own choices and stop trying to please other people.

PS. your boyfriend has a Masters degree in Business Management and Marketing. If he is that smart and hard working why the hell is he teaching instead of getting himself a proper job!
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Edited by Piss Salon
Edit Reason: taste

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#51498 - 15 May 07 09:30 Re: Troubled... [Re: chewwyUK]
doremi Offline
Member+++

Registered: 17 Jan 07
Posts: 488
Loc: slouch couch
Quoting: chewwyUK
clearly your parents don't love or respect you enough. It's time to stop moaning like a little girl and act like a grown up. Tell your parents you love the guy and to respect your choice of partner. Make your own choices and stop trying to please other people.

PS. your boyfriend has a Masters degree in Business Management and Marketing. If he is that smart and hard working why the hell is he teaching instead of getting himself a proper job!


But I thought you have to be at proper age to get a proper job (topic posted earlier by Horizon) OR you have to have proper degree so you can get a proper job? OR you have to have proper degree plus proper connection so you can get a proper job?


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#51500 - 15 May 07 09:44 Re: Troubled... [Re: doremi]
ChineseGal Offline
Member

Registered: 14 May 07
Posts: 15
Loc: Jakarta,Indonesia
chewwyUK: How is teaching not a "proper" job?

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#51501 - 15 May 07 09:46 Re: Troubled... [Re: Piss Salon]
Lulu Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 19 Feb 06
Posts: 2226
Loc: Indonesia
Quoting: Piss Salon

However, part-time English teachers such as myself are extremely desirable and well worth shagging for pure, unadulterated joy. If you are up for it private message me and I will let you buy me dinner and breakfast.


Kwaaakwaaakwaaakwaaaaa.....LMAO
_________________________
"The human heart feel things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand"

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#51502 - 15 May 07 09:58 Re: Troubled... [Re: Lulu]
chewwyUK Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 14 Sep 06
Posts: 2392
Loc: Jakarta
nwgirl .... when it comes to expats age, connections and education dont mean much. What companies look for is experience. There are always exceptions to the rule but the bottom line is there are more chances in other Asian countries such as Japan, Korea and Taiwan for less experienced people as the salaries of a local and expat employee are very similar. Of course its not just about cost its also about the Indonesian government protecting the jobs of its people. It is very hard for a company to sponsor somebody for a work visa unless they have 10+ years experience.

As for Teaching not being a proper job .... well there is a saying that tends to ring true. Those who can do. Those that cant teach.
_________________________
Edited by Piss Salon
Edit Reason: taste

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#51503 - 15 May 07 10:17 Re: Troubled... [Re: chewwyUK]
ChineseGal Offline
Member

Registered: 14 May 07
Posts: 15
Loc: Jakarta,Indonesia
cheewyUK: So he's here in Indonesia and he doesn't have work experiences. He just moved here 1.5 years ago and thought Indonesia is a good place to settle because there are many oppurtunities here.What is one to do besides teaching,for young expats trying to save up some money?

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#51505 - 15 May 07 10:28 Re: Troubled... [Re: chewwyUK]
Tut Tut Offline
Member+

Registered: 14 Dec 06
Posts: 138
Loc: Jakarta
Hi ChineseGal,

I am in the same situation as you. I am also Chinese, even though mixed with Indonesian. But my parents are very very Chinese (hail loyalty to the Mainland!) and kolot, like yours. My parents were totally against my relationship with my bf too for the first 7 years of our relationship. They pretended he didn't exist for all those years.

However, we are almost 10 years together now, you cannot imagine how many people were skeptical of our relationship from my family, close friends, even colleagues. But hey, my relationship lasts, while some of the loudest skeptics have changed bf/gfs several times!

From my experience, I think only your patience and commitment to each other can help you survive whatever is against your relationship. Your relationship is relatively new. Be patient, and get to know each other first. If you rush and kawin lari, they will think that their suspicion is confirmed. Just prove to them that you are solid, married or not.

I always believe parents want the best for their children, esp. their little girls. My parents still don't think my situation is ideal, but after they met him, at least they could trust him enough to take care of their daughter. He is dependable, which has been proven again and again. He took care of me, even flying accross continents to make sure i was ok when I hit rock bottom.

I see a lot of disrespect towards people with certain jobs. Well those people who show disrespect should be ashamed of themselves! So what if your bf is a teacher. If he and you can support yourselves in the future, then what you do to earn your dough is nobody else's business.

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#51506 - 15 May 07 10:31 Re: Troubled... [Re: Tut Tut]
chewwyUK Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 14 Sep 06
Posts: 2392
Loc: Jakarta
Whats his reason for wanting to be in Indonesia then? Is it just to wine, dine and 69 young Chinese girls so he can take all their family money?
_________________________
Edited by Piss Salon
Edit Reason: taste

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#51507 - 15 May 07 10:50 Re: Troubled... [Re: chewwyUK]
ChineseGal Offline
Member

Registered: 14 May 07
Posts: 15
Loc: Jakarta,Indonesia
Tut Tut: Thank you for the vote of confidence. We also realize that patience and commitment is the way to get through. I have a distant cousin who also goes through a similar relationship and it also took them many years to convince other people that they're right for each other. And yes, they pretend that he doesn't exist (and wow yours last for 7 years!How did they get through in the end?)Yes we are in the process of getting to know each other,I've always told each other that time can prove many things. I guess I just have to be patient and let time do most of the talking.

cheewyUK:As I said, he thought Indonesia would be a good place to look for business oppurtunities. He's teaching and in the meantime, saving up some money so he can start a business on his own (which he is already preparing for, just need more capital).Why didn't he do it in his own home country? Because he belives that there are better oppurtunities here to save up more money than in his home country in Eastern Europe. And also, to give him a little more credit, he always encourages me to work out something on my own and be more independent and break free from my family business.

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#51508 - 15 May 07 10:57 Re: Troubled... [Re: ChineseGal]
chewwyUK Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 14 Sep 06
Posts: 2392
Loc: Jakarta
is he crazy .. break free from the family business!!! doesnt he know that's his meal ticket. Are you sure he has a masters?
_________________________
Edited by Piss Salon
Edit Reason: taste

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#51510 - 15 May 07 11:09 Re: Troubled... [Re: chewwyUK]
Tut Tut Offline
Member+

Registered: 14 Dec 06
Posts: 138
Loc: Jakarta
ChineseGal, a trick with Chinese parents is the waiting game. If they see you are reaching spinsterhood, they WILL give in.

Mine have accepted my bf. It's not easy for them, but I appreciate how hard they try. In fact, I think they try very, very hard. His first visit to meet the parents, they gave him only bread, milk and tea to eat and drink, because he's English! And whereever he goes, dad will blast him with a fan because they want to keep him chill.

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#51511 - 15 May 07 11:20 Re: Troubled... [Re: Tut Tut]
ChineseGal Offline
Member

Registered: 14 May 07
Posts: 15
Loc: Jakarta,Indonesia
Tut Tut: Your family sounds adorable smile Blasting him with a fan?

And that spinsterhood thing, very true...

I just wonder how long this waiting game can last though. It's quite hard for both of us. (That's why I wonder how you guys can make it last for 7 years of being in that stage) With him feeling like I'm ashamed of him, and me feeling like they don't respect him enough to even acknowledge his existence.

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#51512 - 15 May 07 11:25 Re: Troubled... [Re: ChineseGal]
Dilli Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 26 Feb 06
Posts: 8044
Loc: Nearest Bar
Quoting: ChineseGal
It's quite hard for both of us.


Which reminds me...


Attachments
1755-nohardfeelings-1.jpg


_________________________
Menace to Sobriety


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#51534 - 15 May 07 19:14 Re: Troubled... [Re: Dilli]
Piss Salon Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 27 Jun 06
Posts: 4039
Loc: Jakpus
ChineseGal, you seem almost too good to be true if you know what I mean. Your English is almost perfect, except I am not quite sure what a looser is. A loser with a pair of breasts perhaps?

Pardon my ignorance but how can it be a chain letter if it's printed out? And who forwards it on etc etc. What about the photos?
_________________________
place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes

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