Forums and Chat for Indonesia's English-speaking community
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
Rate This Topic
#43115 - 02 Feb 07 11:05 To marry or not?
Topspliff Offline
Member

Registered: 02 Feb 07
Posts: 10
Loc: Jakarta, Indonesia
Ok found this site and there seems to be a lot of information here but maybe someone could give me some more specific advice.

I came to work in Indonesia in August last year, after a few days in a local bar met one of the bar girls, oh that sounds bad does`nt it, but when you have a child to raise and finding work is hard enough any job will do, so the job is not through choice but necessity.

Anyway like most stories I suppose we got to talking and found out she was looking for love not sex, well after two years on my own after a break-up I was looking for the same.

So we started dating and were inseperable for the 5 weeks that I was working in Indonesia, a lot of my friends thought it was lust not love and would not last, so after returning to the UK, very sadly I might add, we continued to stay in contact everyday by SMS, email once a week and more recently by telephone.

So I found myself asking my company for time off over the Xmas period to come visit her and to see if the feelings are/were still the same, to which I am very happy to report that nothing has changed and that we are still both very much in love with each other, so that brings me on to my questions which I hope will be answered here.

For practicle and obvious reasons I would like to be with her all the time, not possible in Indonesia as the work is bad and the situation here is not the best, so my only real choice is to marry her and bring her and her daughter back to the UK, I have asked her family about marriage and they are delighted,
they are also very understanding and know the many hassles that I should have to go through to marry thier daughter!

1, Circumcision, I`m not circumcised, and no one is touching my bits that I have owned for 42 years with no problems, her parents accept this, but will there be problems eg will the priest or Iman want to see my bits? lol.

2, Religion, Point blank I will not change my religion to Islam because it is not something I believe in, not that I actually have a religion, I follow my own path to god, so regard myself more as spiritual, I believe every human should love each other and get along, regardless of religion, so her parents have said as long as I go along and say the few words to become muslim, more of a PR thing for the friends, other family members and bystanders etc, once we are done and dusted with ceremonies etc, I just be my normal self again!, is this OK?, even if it sounds hypocritical.

3, UK entry, this is probably my biggest concern, now I`m not a rich man, her parents know this, I own no property I just rent a flat, I have a reasonable job earning 25k a year, not great, but better that a lot of people in the UK! what is the situation with immigration, in the UK we seem to be happy to let
half of Europe come into our country with no qualifications or able to speak English, I have worked all my life and paid my taxes I feel that if I marry this Indonesian I should be able to bring her and her child into the Uk, she wants to work and can speak perfect English, but what is the true situation, I need
to know because I don`t want to go through all the hassle of engagement, marriage a lot of expense only to be turned down by my government, especially of a concern is the fact that she is Muslim, what with all the terrorist stuff going on.

She is just a down to earth girl who I love very much, and would be so happy to give her a better life, or am I being a complete fool thinking a beautiful young lady 15 years younger than me is really into me and just wants a passport out of the situation in Indonesia, that last comment is by no means what I/we feel between us, I`m just being carefull.

Taking into account the short time we have been together, am I rushing into this too fast, I must admit I do feel a little pressured!,I was with my last English girlfriend for six months before we got engaged and that is where we stayed for 16 years never got married as it just did not seem nessesary

Would love to hear from other Indonesian ladies who have come to the UK, more imortantly with a man who did not have money!!, also if you have a child before you came to the UK, how was the integration into school, especially if your child could not speak English.

You see many important questions which I hope many of you can answer.

Best wishes Alan, Rani & Putri

PS I will probably have many more questions after this thankyou

Top
#43119 - 02 Feb 07 13:41 Re: To marry or not? [Re: Topspliff]
The Great Gonzo Offline
Member+

Registered: 13 Dec 06
Posts: 134
Loc: Big Durian
I can't say anything about the UK part, as I am not from there.

It is very easy to just go and become Moslem without meaning it. All you have to do is utter a phrase (in Arabic) that says Allah is the one true God, etc... I've also had a few buddies that became moslem and were not circumcised. Either the Iman didn't bother to ask, or they did ask and they were honest with their answer, they just paid the Iman an extra 100k to 200k (rupiah) for the Iman to overlook the reality and continue.
I've been told that it is possible to marry cross-religion in Indonesia... but for the family to save face with their neighbours its likely easier all around if you just said the words and became moslem.
Congratulations to you and her in finding someone to care about, and congratulations to your little step-daughter in getting a father again. From my experiences single Moms in Indonesia don't have an easy time finding a 2nd husband, and very rarely do the ex-husbands pay or have anything to do with their children.


Edited by drgonzo (02 Feb 07 13:41)
_________________________
"Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Cockface. Where are you two from? Nose City?"

Top
#43122 - 02 Feb 07 14:53 Re: To marry or not? [Re: The Great Gonzo]
Capt. Mainwaring Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 16 Aug 06
Posts: 3225
Loc: here
You have two hopes of getting the daughter into the UK I am afraid - how old is she ? and is the dad a bule or a lokal ?
Whilst I agree with your sentiment regarding UK immigration and the state of Denmark - I wouldn't get too excited just yet -
As for her parents - I wouldn't actually give a flying f*ck what they thought - it is a bit late for them to start getting principles - they have a choice , you or a kretek toking tukir or tukang becak - not much of a choice really , but unless she has some extremely special talents , then this is the best she can expect to get out of Indo .




I can only advise you to read the birth certificate very carefully , and also ask to see the old buku nikah and divorce papers .

As for mixed religion - I'd banish that thought from your head .
You will have to masuk islam , whether you do it in your heart , or just in words is your choice - you are trying to get a Buku Nikah , which is the basis that IND will issue any visa . also be aware that if you try to get just a tourist visa and import her on that , you can't marry her on that visa and get PR unless she leaves again - the IND won't have it .

I don't know where you live - but you will need to live near a load of WNI because your possible wife to be is going to need lots of friends during the transition - believe me , I know .
_________________________
I also made a vegetarian version,with tempe and tofu chunks for myself and others.Get over it.
Kosong.Wolo.Setunggal.Setunggal.Setunggal.Kosong.Pitu.Setunggal.Kosong.Wolo=Tempik

Top
#43127 - 02 Feb 07 16:46 Re: To marry or not? [Re: Capt. Mainwaring]
Orang Kanada Offline
Member*

Registered: 30 Sep 06
Posts: 621
Loc: Jakarta
There's a lot of questions you're asking here that I've been asking myself lately... LOL

But one thing I know, most Indonesian girls love their country and don't really wanna leave... they're not "looking for a passport". In fact, if she's ready to follow you oversea with her daughter, she must be really into you. And that's a good sign.

_________________________
Spiderpig, spiderpig...

Top
#43144 - 03 Feb 07 00:15 Re: To marry or not? [Re: Orang Kanada]
David Offline
Member

Registered: 23 Jan 07
Posts: 1
Loc: Jakarta
I was talking to someone who works in the British Embassy the other day. They get a lot of British men wanting to take their local girlfriend back and the answer's usually no. If you're married they'll be interested in whether you can support her financially. Your salary is OK but you need to have enough space in your flat, they'll want to know the number of rooms.

On a more personal level, for a relationship to last there needs to be more than the initial attraction of eg looks, passport or whatever -but it sounds as if you've got to know each other well. It's not as if she's a 'mail order bride', so try to ignore criticism from your or her family and friends -if they care about you they'll be happy.

Top
#43145 - 03 Feb 07 00:43 Re: To marry or not? [Re: David]
willyankie Offline
Member

Registered: 31 Jan 07
Posts: 9
Loc: Sumatra
I have an English mate married to an Acehnese that has a son to a previous marriage and one of their own and they have had no probs in getting visa's for UK, she loves living over there, more than here.
Be happy my friend, it's not an easy road but give it a go.

Top
#43191 - 03 Feb 07 07:15 Re: To marry or not? [Re: Topspliff]
dolphin Offline
Member+++

Registered: 07 Jan 07
Posts: 337
Loc: auckland, nz
Hi Topspliff,
This is just my opinion hope can help you little bit, if not just ignore it then smile
If you really2 love her and she does, so you love each other lol, i supossed you should marry her. From the begin it is sure guite difficult, but i think you can shout out later wink From my experience and what i see, you can bring her to where ever you wanna live as long your and her family support each other. It doesn't matter for embassy Indonesia and UK, well everything back to money lol frown
Anyways its up to you, listen to your heart marry or not. All the best of three of you! Cheers.


Edited by dolphin (03 Feb 07 07:16)
_________________________
simply and naturals

Top
#87283 - 10 Oct 08 14:16 Re: To marry or not? [Re: dolphin]
Topspliff Offline
Member

Registered: 02 Feb 07
Posts: 10
Loc: Jakarta, Indonesia
Hi Everyone

It`s been a while since I visited here, but I thought I would say a big thank you for all your suggestions and an update on what happened in the end!.

We got married 12th August last year that`s 2007 but only with religion!, had a lovely honeymoon in Bali then had the horror of having to leave my wife behind and return to the UK whilst I tried to sort out some way we could be together full time.

Back to the UK, depressed and down then out of the blue my company offer me a different work contract, 2 years full time based in Jakarta, GOD really must have been looking down upon us, so since December last year I have been living in Jakarta with my wife Rani.

Her daughter Putri stayed in Bandung with the Grandparents as she had to finish her school there before she could join us in Jakarta.

Then we had the news in February that my wife is pregnant, over the moon is how we both felt, then a planned trip to the UK to visit my friends and family which Rani loved especially the cool as Jakarta is even too hot for her and she`s Indo, then to Bali with Putri our daughter and she is now with us living in Jakarta.

Then last week in Bandung before Idul Fitri we had the top man from the marriage office come to her parents home and marry us legal, and it`s an international one, so if I have to go back to the UK after my contract I hope to GOD it`s enough and they let her and my family in!.

So the update is we are incredibly happy, people were telling me don`t do it, it won`t last, she just wants a passport, your going through a midlife crisis etc, but I followed my heart and I have not been disappointed in the least.

I have a beautiful wife who truly loves me, I have a daughter who not of my blood is a little princess and we are getting closer all the time who I intend to adopt legally as her real father could not give a toss!, and I have my first born baby due in the next couple of weeks.

True love is out there in the most unexpected places sometimes!.

I have no idea what the future holds, or even if the UK will let my family come, if not chin up and I`l find a new bloody home as it`s a big world.

But once again thanks for all the advice and good wishes it`s not been an easy ride so far and has cost a small fortune lol, but it`s been definately worth it!!

Alan


Edited by Topspliff (10 Oct 08 14:45)

Top
#87284 - 10 Oct 08 14:19 Re: To marry or not? [Re: Topspliff]
Marmalade Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 18 Apr 08
Posts: 2471
Loc: Jak
Good for you!
_________________________
JakartaRestaurantReviews.com


Top
#87285 - 10 Oct 08 14:28 Re: To marry or not? [Re: Marmalade]
Dilli Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 26 Feb 06
Posts: 8044
Loc: Nearest Bar
The lovetree must have been working overtime
_________________________
Menace to Sobriety


Top
#87286 - 10 Oct 08 14:30 Re: To marry or not? [Re: Marmalade]
witty handle Offline
Member*

Registered: 11 Mar 08
Posts: 933
Loc: Bogor
terrific
_________________________
quips,gibes and irony all form part of my repartee

Top
#87320 - 11 Oct 08 17:53 Re: To marry or not? [Re: witty handle]
Tut Tut Offline
Member+

Registered: 14 Dec 06
Posts: 138
Loc: Jakarta
It's so nice to hear an update on your life, TopSpliff. Here's wishing the best for you and your new family!

Top
#87323 - 11 Oct 08 18:33 Re: To marry or not? [Re: Tut Tut]
Piss Salon Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 27 Jun 06
Posts: 4039
Loc: Jakpus
Wow. That is amazing.

Amazing that no one has posted a photograph of a penis or a bouncing set of breasts.

Well done Topspliff for raising the tone.

Long may it last.
_________________________
place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes

Top
#87334 - 12 Oct 08 00:58 Re: To marry or not? [Re: Piss Salon]
v8dave Offline
Member*

Registered: 08 Nov 05
Posts: 597
Loc: Jakarta Selatan
Sorry Piss, what where we thinking???

norks
_________________________
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes

Top
#87343 - 12 Oct 08 10:18 Re: To marry or not? [Re: v8dave]
chewwyUK Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 14 Sep 06
Posts: 2392
Loc: Jakarta
:kontol:
_________________________
Edited by Piss Salon
Edit Reason: taste

Top
#87396 - 13 Oct 08 02:02 Re: To marry or not? [Re: chewwyUK]
Polisi Cepek Offline
Member*

Registered: 17 Mar 07
Posts: 809
Loc: Di tengah hutan
On this topic, why couldn't someone in this situation avoid all the Indonesian govt religious (penis) conversion etc trouble by getting married in the foreigner's home town marriage registry? It's apparently all very simple and the Indonesian govt would presumably recognise a foreign marriage after visiting the right offices?

Could still have a great big wedding reception in Indonesia and everyone would be happy.

No?



Edited by Polisi Cepek (13 Oct 08 02:02)
_________________________
"Some people think I've been flogging my own sausage," he joked.

Top
#87397 - 13 Oct 08 02:04 Re: To marry or not? [Re: Polisi Cepek]
Polisi Cepek Offline
Member*

Registered: 17 Mar 07
Posts: 809
Loc: Di tengah hutan
Oh, I almost forgot to add this: :chewwy:
_________________________
"Some people think I've been flogging my own sausage," he joked.

Top
#87399 - 13 Oct 08 03:05 Re: To marry or not? [Re: Polisi Cepek]
Modern Witch Offline
Member+++

Registered: 10 Jun 08
Posts: 368
Loc: 6 o 10' S and 106 o 48'E
Quoting: Polisi Cepek
On this topic, why couldn't someone in this situation avoid all the Indonesian govt religious (penis) conversion etc trouble by getting married in the foreigner's home town marriage registry? It's apparently all very simple and the Indonesian govt would presumably recognise a foreign marriage after visiting the right offices?

Could still have a great big wedding reception in Indonesia and everyone would be happy.

No?




Good point, anyway congrats TS.

and mw
_________________________
Hocus Pocus!
--
I joined witchcraft because they promised power, wealth and free cookies.

Top
#87403 - 13 Oct 08 06:56 Re: To marry or not? [Re: Polisi Cepek]
KuKuKaChu Moderator Offline
Pooh Bah

Registered: 09 Oct 05
Posts: 10790
Loc: Centre of the Universe
Quoting: Polisi Cepek
On this topic, why couldn't someone in this situation avoid all the Indonesian govt religious (penis) conversion etc trouble by getting married in the foreigner's home town marriage registry? It's apparently all very simple and the Indonesian govt would presumably recognise a foreign marriage after visiting the right offices?

Could still have a great big wedding reception in Indonesia and everyone would be happy.

No?


yes! skipping off overseas to get hitched is a favourite past-time for jakarte's artis sinetron, especially if the marriage is religiously "mixed" and neither of the parties are inclined to convert.
_________________________
KuKuKaChu: dangerously too sophisticated

Top
#87406 - 13 Oct 08 08:11 Re: To marry or not? [Re: KuKuKaChu]
kenyeung Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 16 Apr 07
Posts: 2374
Loc: Indonesia
And for those who don't want to go all the way back to Canada, Europe, the US, South Africa, Chad or Oz, marriage can be done in Singapore.

Top
#87407 - 13 Oct 08 08:18 Re: To marry or not? [Re: kenyeung]
KuKuKaChu Moderator Offline
Pooh Bah

Registered: 09 Oct 05
Posts: 10790
Loc: Centre of the Universe
... or in the sultanate of okusi-ambeno, for the sufi mystics among you.
_________________________
KuKuKaChu: dangerously too sophisticated

Top
#87419 - 13 Oct 08 11:19 Re: To marry or not? [Re: kenyeung]
v8dave Offline
Member*

Registered: 08 Nov 05
Posts: 597
Loc: Jakarta Selatan
Quoting: kenyeung
And for those who don't want to go all the way back to Canada, Europe, the US, South Africa, Chad or Oz, marriage can be done in Singapore.


I read somewhere that one of you has to be in Singapore for at least 14 days before you can get married there.??
_________________________
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes

Top
#87420 - 13 Oct 08 11:25 Re: To marry or not? [Re: v8dave]
Dilli Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 26 Feb 06
Posts: 8044
Loc: Nearest Bar
Bit off personal research there Dave?
_________________________
Menace to Sobriety


Top
#87421 - 13 Oct 08 11:26 Re: To marry or not? [Re: v8dave]
kenyeung Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 16 Apr 07
Posts: 2374
Loc: Indonesia
Quoting: v8dave
I read somewhere that one of you has to be in Singapore for at least 14 days before you can get married there.??


Sure enough, the Singapore government's Registry of Marriages stipulates that:

At least 1 of the 2 parties to an intended marriage must have been resident within Singapore for at least 15 days before he or she may file a notice of marriage. This applies to all regardless of citizenship.

Giving her a two-week holiday in Singapore might be cheaper than flying to Vegas or Aberdeen for a weekend marriage. Or perhaps not.

Top
#87422 - 13 Oct 08 11:29 Re: To marry or not? [Re: kenyeung]
Roy's Hair Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 08 Nov 06
Posts: 3974
Loc: jakarta
Get married in Bali like Mick Jagger. Then your supermodel wife can't take you to the fuckin' cleaners when you diddle some Brazilian bikini wax.
_________________________
Chinese like more traditional patterns on their ring.

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  NetCop