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#31110 - 28 Jun 06 19:11 Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Piss Salon Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 27 Jun 06
Posts: 4039
Loc: Jakpus
“… Most buses are old, so they create enormous pollution and are mostly overcrowded,” laments a George Frederik Lette in the cheap pages of the even cheaper Jakarta Post. George, obviously new and unaware that his expatriate finger-wagging ways are tolerated as much as a knee-length skirt in Tangerang, continues: “The government should take the appropriate actions [sic] to stop the recalcitrant behaviour of Jakarta’s bus drivers.” He he, Sweet George, ho ho.

It is not that Sweatybozo, his band of merry apes and the local land transport agency do not deserve to be tried for crimes against humanity – according to the World Bank, 33 percent of children in Jakarta suffer some form of brain damage from lead emissions (though the World bank, criminally, has not followed up on its years’ old State of the Environment report) – it’s just that they won’t be. These corrupt thugs are above the laws they claim to uphold and think ethics is a place in England and morals is a Mexican footballer.

Therefore, in true, typically frustrated expat fashion I have taken my personal campaign to the streets themselves, educating the unwitting or arrogant when they cross the path of my dented but appropriately named Suzuki Thunder.

First some tips -- defensive driving is one thing; abuse-giving defensive driving quite another.

1) Select your target with safety in mind.

A) Recommended targets for re-education include women and the elderly. They rarely give chase and are more easily shocked by kicks to the bodywork of their vehicles, punches on the windows and the appropriate gestures and verbal abuse.
B) Never select vehicles costing more than the ubiquitous BMW. A failure to heed said advice greatly increases your chances of encountering a military man or businessman who deems himself so important as to deserve the right to bear arms.
C) Large or tattooed motorcyclists. For obvious reasons.
D) Spitting almost always fails if the visor is down.
E) When abusing bus drivers through the front window, be aware that they will not hesitate to swerve to hit you and that their expectorant is almost always more toxic than your own.
F) Re-education should not be attempted in your own kampong unless you have the appropriate relocation plan (this will feature in my next ramble).
G) Consider maimed pedestrians successfully re-educated but the gathering masses not so. If your means of transport has suffered damage that renders it inoperable, abandon it and, if your injuries allow, run for it.

2) Pick your battlefields and plan your escape routes, in particular scan for any obstacles, including those hidden from the untrained eye.

A) Traffic jams are the clear example but this need not deter re-education if you are sure your bike can safely negotiate the gaps between cars without the need to re-educate anybody else.
B) REMEMBER, when abusing bus drivers, beware the skinny junkies who collect the fares and are adept at rapidly alighting from the rear of the bus to give chase. Your escape route MUST be completely clear at all times.
C) Be aware of all train tracks and the fact the barrier arms sometimes work.
D) When giving chase, never follow into service stations, small residential streets where local security is likely to lurk, and anywhere with semi-professional security, such as hotels, police stations and military bases.
E) Re-educating boyracers at night when the streets are clearish is a bad idea.

3) Others in need of re-education

A) Monorail workers responsible for gaping holes in Jl Rasuna Said.

4) Re-education in matters other than poor driving habits.

A) Homes of corrupt officials can make excellent targets, though, particularly with Suharto’s home in Jl. Cendana, security is tight but not impossible to beat – in Jl. Cendana’s case you have at least 30 seconds to vacate the street before the security barriers block off any hope of escape.
B) Use your own transportation or the services of only the most trusted ojek driver – rookies, particularly taxi drivers, have the unnerving tendency to stop in the middle of the road when you thrust your torso out the rear window and yell ‘KKN motherfucker’ on your way home from Jl. Jaksa.
C) The military blokes outside the Vice President’s mansion in Menteng are quite serious about their responsibilities and, for that reason, have remained largely untested by myself to date. (Perhaps somebody else would like to try?)

In conclusion, re-education via letters to the editor from the new and naïve, has, as can be seen by the current state of affairs, achieved little. However, all is not lost. By combining our forces for an all out re-educational assault at the grass-roots level, there is hope. Who wishes to sign up?

Anyway, now for something completely different:

Piss News

Drunk birds

Four pelicans suspected of being drunk on sea algae were being tested at a southern California wildlife centre at the weekend after one of them crashed headlong into a car.
Three of the California brown pelicans were found wandering dazed around Laguna Beach after another pelican struck a vehicle's windshield on a nearby coast road. It suffered internal injuries and was undergoing toxicology tests.
Officials at the wildlife centre said they might have been under the influence of algae in the ocean that can produce domoic acid poisoning. Shellfish tainted with domoic acid were thought to be behind a 1961 attack by seabirds on people and cars in California which inspired Alfred Hitchcock's movie The Birds.


Chick’s Dick

A former handyman has won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection.
Charles "Chick" Lennon, 68, received the steel and plastic implant in 1996. The Dura-II is designed to allow impotent men to position the penis upward for sex, then lower it.
But Lennon could not position his penis downward. He said he could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear bathing trunks because of the pain and embarrassment.
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place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes

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#31111 - 28 Jun 06 19:23 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Lulu Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 19 Feb 06
Posts: 2226
Loc: Indonesia
Hmmm...just sounds like my brother who telling his ideas of treating Jakarta road bastards.
Always cost him to send his car to the garage at least once a month for some repairments because his active participations of the re-education. smile
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"The human heart feel things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand"

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#31112 - 28 Jun 06 22:27 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Polar Bear Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 23 Nov 05
Posts: 6177
you mean a sausage should not be solid hard for 10 years?

Should I see a Vet?

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#31113 - 28 Jun 06 22:44 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
riccardo Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 12 Oct 05
Posts: 2195
Loc: Jakarta
Welcome Piss, that was an interesting first post.
encore, encore.
_________________________
Just here proffering my pearls to swine, my throat to wolves and my trousers to the flagpole.

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#31114 - 28 Jun 06 23:57 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
branmac Offline
Member+

Registered: 21 May 06
Posts: 84
Loc: Australia
PB I would love a solid hard sausage for 10 years. How do I achieve this. Then I would love the woman to handle it. Any suggestions as to whom? I feel the same as "Piss" about Jakarta traffic. Maybe we can get a bunch of pelicans to sort those cray drivers out. I hate overtaking a bus. Never know what the crazy bas**ards will do.
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I love to wander in the veil of infidelity just for fun

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#31115 - 29 Jun 06 00:25 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
riccardo Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 12 Oct 05
Posts: 2195
Loc: Jakarta
Quote:
Originally posted by Piss Salon:
“…
G) Consider maimed pedestrians successfully re-educated
NICE ONE, the dead one's relatives will also get the message... maybe.
_________________________
Just here proffering my pearls to swine, my throat to wolves and my trousers to the flagpole.

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#31116 - 29 Jun 06 13:22 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Piss Salon Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 27 Jun 06
Posts: 4039
Loc: Jakpus
Dear Polar Bear, I forgot to mention that part of the reason 'chick' was awarded compensation, other than not being able to wear swimwear, was the "embarrassment it caused him being around his grandchildren". It would appear that being around his sons and daughters, however, caused no such shame.

How would (do) you feel around your cubs?

And branmac, I suggest you carry a photo of riccardo around with you in your wallet. If the man won't do it for you, nothing will.
_________________________
place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes

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#31117 - 29 Jun 06 13:27 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Polar Bear Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 23 Nov 05
Posts: 6177
Quote:
Originally posted by Piss Salon:
Dear Polar Bear, I forgot to mention that part of the reason 'chick' was awarded compensation, other than not being able to wear swimwear, was the "embarrassment it caused him being around his grandchildren". It would appear that being around his sons and daughters, however, caused no such shame.

How would (do) you feel around your cubs?

And branmac, I suggest you carry a photo of riccardo around with you in your wallet. If the man won't do it for you, nothing will.
Sadly, I am Cubless.

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#31118 - 29 Jun 06 13:34 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Polar Bear Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 23 Nov 05
Posts: 6177
Quote:
Originally posted by riccardo:
Quote:
Originally posted by Piss Salon:
“…
G) Consider maimed pedestrians successfully re-educated
NICE ONE, the dead one's relatives will also get the message... maybe.
Darwininaism ONLY works where you remove social constraints. If we stopped feeding the stupid the IQ level would rise.

Similarly, only by running morons over do we reduce traffic accidents.

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#31119 - 29 Jun 06 13:40 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Piss Salon Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 27 Jun 06
Posts: 4039
Loc: Jakpus
Polar Bear. It will be a tragedy if your personal attributes are not given the chance of being passed to the next generation of roaming arctic warriors. Why is this? Personality disorder? A penchant for members of the same sex? Different species? Coming from a small country with a rural-based economy, I have some experience in the latter.
_________________________
place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes

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#31120 - 29 Jun 06 14:01 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Polar Bear Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 23 Nov 05
Posts: 6177
Quote:
Originally posted by Piss Salon:
Polar Bear. It will be a tragedy if your personal attributes are not given the chance of being passed to the next generation of roaming arctic warriors. Why is this? Personality disorder? A penchant for members of the same sex? Different species? Coming from a small country with a rural-based economy, I have some experience in the latter.
I spent 13 years married to a total bitch (her parents were from NZ but she claimed to be English). I didn’t want to see her kind get reproduced.

Since than I haven’t found any woman I like enough to propagate with.

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#31121 - 29 Jun 06 14:07 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Dilli Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 26 Feb 06
Posts: 8044
Loc: Nearest Bar
Men?
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#31122 - 29 Jun 06 14:13 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Piss Salon Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 27 Jun 06
Posts: 4039
Loc: Jakpus
Personality disorder?
_________________________
place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes

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#31123 - 29 Jun 06 14:20 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
D'ruby Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 13 Feb 06
Posts: 2177
Loc: My
The world/earth is too much crowded now, PB just wanna make some difference, me too smile
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I wanna be Samantha, but I am so Carrie

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#31124 - 29 Jun 06 14:27 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
KuKuKaChu Moderator Offline
Pooh Bah

Registered: 09 Oct 05
Posts: 10790
Loc: Centre of the Universe
Quote:
Originally posted by The One and Only Polar Bear:
Since than I haven’t found any woman I like enough to propagate with.
haven't you heard of up-breeding?? you use females of any genetic quality as breeding stock and vehicles for your own clearly superior genetic composition, and given that your genes would doubtless be dominant, there is little chance that any inferior characters of the breeding female will emerge.

trust me, i know this stuff. i used to be a goat breeder.
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KuKuKaChu: dangerously too sophisticated

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#31125 - 29 Jun 06 14:31 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Polar Bear Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 23 Nov 05
Posts: 6177
Look, I told you before, you don't need DNA genetic streaming to prove that she WAS a sheep.

The wool fleece and constant Baaaaaaaa is sufficient proof for most people.

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#31126 - 29 Jun 06 14:37 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Polar Bear Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 23 Nov 05
Posts: 6177
Quote:
Originally posted by Piss Salon:
Personality disorder?
Before I can have a personality disorder, I need to develop a personality.

Right now I am a slice of code on a Silicon Graphics Columbia…..

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#31127 - 29 Jun 06 16:49 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Piss Salon Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 27 Jun 06
Posts: 4039
Loc: Jakpus
If you are short a personality, I could probably lend you one or two.

I like this up-breeding theory; in fact I might lower my expectations and start spreading the love a bit more liberally. And aiming for the pink bits rather than the brown bits and mouth.

Thanks for the tip.
_________________________
place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes

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#31128 - 30 Jun 06 09:49 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Polar Bear Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 23 Nov 05
Posts: 6177
Can I borrow one? I promise not to damage it.

Up breeding sounds fun. I am fed up with rooting penguins. Does a Walrus count as an up breed?

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#31129 - 30 Jun 06 13:55 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Piss Salon Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 27 Jun 06
Posts: 4039
Loc: Jakpus
Well, I take it from the lack of response for my call for the formation of an underground rebel re-education movement that said movement has died?

Just as well, I suppose. I had the wind taken out of my sails during the attempted re-education of bus driver as I made my way through the smoke down Jl Sudirman this morning. I broke one of my rules and got trapped directly behind the exhaust of a stationary PBB bus (they are by the far the worst pollution offenders). Sure enough, I was coated in black soot as soon as it started moving. With road rage fully fuelled (so to speak) I maneuvered up alongside the drivers’ window and started hurling “Jorok lo’s” at him. He looked at me, shrugged and replied, “biasa aja” and you know what? The fucker was absolutely correct. I think I even laughed as I smeared soot and expectorate from my visor. More at the entire state of affairs than anything else.

Depressing. I need a cigarette. And a handjob.

Will now direct my anger at just the women, children and infirm.

PB. Walruses too are well endowed but this may cause problems if you, like me, are a fan of cunnilingus. And as you never responded to Dilli’s Men? post, perhaps fellatio too. And a New Zealand bird who thinks she’s English? What a nightmare.
_________________________
place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes

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#31130 - 30 Jun 06 14:11 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Polar Bear Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 23 Nov 05
Posts: 6177
You have to have a credible re-education plan. I am afraid hurling abuse isn’t going to cut it in Jakarta traffic. Hurling turds through windows is a better suggestion, especially if you are the owner. As is sticking something up the exhaust of the black smoke belching Bus. What you stick up it is up to you, but the skinny gits penis gets my vote.

Always remember if you hit a pedestrian make sure you bounce them into oncoming traffic, ensuring that someone else has to share the blame and bribe with you.

Always drive something impressive and indestructible. An ex US Army Abrams tank is top of the list (make sure it is dirty/rusty, thus indicating you don’t care about a scratch on the paintwork). Hand a “driver under instruction” sign on the back, and a “Danger explosives” sign on the front. This guarantees close encounters with idiot assholes, and a chance to test your tracks on their bodywork. Don’t worry about is slow maximum speed, since it will always be faster than other traffic in Jakarta (including police cars).

Finally, never ever drive sober. It isn’t any fun, and you tend to remember the negatives (like killing people). Sufficient alcohol ensures you only remember the good bits.

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#31131 - 30 Jun 06 14:37 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
hanabi Offline
Member+++

Registered: 11 Mar 06
Posts: 436
Loc: Here and there...
Sigh! Yesterday I almost killed myself for defending my right to cross the street at a stoplight. eek It was not the first time and anyway it's a good way to die...
_________________________
Crossing the bridge of reason... "Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absentminded. Someone sober will worry about things going badly. Let the lover be."

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#31132 - 30 Jun 06 14:57 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Polar Bear Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 23 Nov 05
Posts: 6177
Quote:
Originally posted by hanabi:
Sigh! Yesterday I almost killed myself for defending my right to cross the street at a stoplight. eek It was not the first time and anyway it's a good way to die...
My suggestion:

1. Wear very short skirt and high heels.

2. Wait at the side of the road.

3. Pull up the short skirt so that passing drivers can see you are wearing no panties.

4. After the traffic has stopped because of the crash, you can cross at your leisure.

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#31133 - 30 Jun 06 15:09 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Lulu Offline
Pujangga

Registered: 19 Feb 06
Posts: 2226
Loc: Indonesia
Quote:
Originally posted by The One and Only Polar Bear:
Quote:
Originally posted by hanabi:
Sigh! Yesterday I almost killed myself for defending my right to cross the street at a stoplight. eek It was not the first time and anyway it's a good way to die...
My suggestion:

1. Wear very short skirt and high heels.

2. Wait at the side of the road.

3. Pull up the short skirt so that passing drivers can see you are wearing no panties.

4. After the traffic has stopped because of the crash, you can cross at your leisure.
Good suggestion from the Bear.
Another tips from me: If you by chance not wearing the outfit like Bear mentioned above. Select your enemy wisely; choose only big truck, bus or any big vechiles.
It might a good way to die, but there's no good way to get cripple....
_________________________
"The human heart feel things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand"

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#31134 - 30 Jun 06 15:52 Re: Traffic woes, erections and drunk birds
Piss Salon Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 27 Jun 06
Posts: 4039
Loc: Jakpus
What are the chances of this? I was just (Friday, 1.30pm) riding down Sudirman lamenting the death of the rebel movement after just 48 hours when I began to think what would have happened if East Timorese freedom fighter Xanana Gusmao had the same pathetic stickability. And get this – there HE was, walking beside a lovely blonde along the footpath outside Gelora Bung Karno.

Now I know this seems improbable for two reasons; namely that I was thinking and that Sudirman has a footpath, but I implore you to believe me when I say it WAS him. Admittedly, I was giving chase to a child riding on the back of a bike after he looked at me funny and I was therefore speeding, and it was the blond who captured my attention, but the split-second glimpse left me in little doubt it was The Man himself.

Does anybody know if he is in town? I thought he was barricaded in his home. In fact, why don’t I check.

Fuck, it wasn’t him, my sources indicate. I have a good mind to abandon this posting altogether. But you get the picture, I was so sure it was I wasn’t even going to check my facts before posting this.

Okay, trust me when I way it DAMN WELL LOOKED LIKE him.
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place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes

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