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#10460 - 16 Jun 06 04:59 England 2 - 0 Trinidad & Tobago
Magpie Offline
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Registered: 29 Mar 06
Posts: 1306
Loc: The Toon
Scott Murray
Thursday June 15, 2006

Crouch 83, Gerrard 90

Look at the state of this. I mean look at him......
http://football.guardian.co.uk/worldcup2006/minbymin/0,,1788265,00.html
This is what hanging around with the England squad for six months does to a man. Crouchigol was the very model of humility and self-deprecation when he was going on that barren run with Liverpool at the start of the season; now he’s giving out like Andrew Ridgeley circa 1984. I blame Rio Ferdinand for this shambles in its entirety.

Sven making out he cares about his players in the long term dept. Jamie Carragher will replace the injured Gary Neville. Meanwhile Sven has decided not to risk Wayne Rooney's entire career from the off; he might do it later, though, as the striker's on the bench.

England: Robinson, Carragher, Terry, Ferdinand, Ashley Cole, Beckham, Lampard, Gerrard, Joe Cole, Owen, Crouch. Subs: Rooney, Campbell, James, Bridge, Hargreaves, Jenas, Carrick, Lennon, Downing, Carson, Walcott, Neville.

Trinidad and Tobago: Hislop, Edwards, Sancho, Lawrence, Gray, Birchall, Whitley, Yorke, Theobald, Stern John, Jones. Subs: Cox, Latapy, Samuel, Glen, Wise, Charles, Scotland, Ince, Wolfe, Andrews, Jack.

Referee: Toru Kamikawa (Japan)

Kick off: 5pm.

It’s hot. Refreshing isotonic drink, anyone? Never mind Crouchigol’s long drink (oh the irony); each member of the Trinidad & Tobago squad will win a 247-litre barrel of Angostura Rum (delicate nose of cocoa, black treacle, toffee, vanilla and caramel) worth nearly £5,000 if they win this evening. Should that happen, for England it’s Tesco Value Gin (delicate nose of turps) straight from the bottle.

Miles Simpson: eagle eyes. "Interested to see the filename for the Crouch pic is not Crouchigol but Crouchicock. Manchester United fan, by any chance?" It's short for cocktail, Miles, it's short for cocktail.

Adrian Cooper: dirty mouth. "The filename is actually crouchicocklarge, which would suggest that the file was named either by a Liverpool fan, or someone who has had a rather dubious liaison with..." Let's nip this riff in the bud right now.

Putting any old tat up to fill space and time dept. "That picture of Peter Crouch is actually very reminiscent of Goose from Top Gun,” writes someone or something called The Texplant Corporation (an acid jazz band?). "I can imagine a few of those strapping England boys on the beach volleyball court ‘playing with the boys’." I’ve not seen Top Gun. Does any of this make sense?

The weather. "What's the temperature over in Germany right now?" asks Kevin Kennedy. "Do you think it's too hot to play?" We won't know the temperature until after the final whistle, Kevin. If England lose or draw, it's too hot. If they win, it's much cooler than it was on Saturday, when England were only tediously inept because wah wah drone.

The English national anthem. Help, someone, blood is seeping from my ears.

The Trinidad & Tobago one... ... is also utterly tedious. Played out on steel drums at 13bpm, it sounds like a milk float crashing into a village pond.

And we're off! England pass it about for a bit. They're now saying there's a chance of rain in the second half. Hmm. So if England don't rattle the goals in then, can we write off their chances once and for all? "Can you ask that Kevin Kennedy who asked about the temperature if he’s the actor who played Curly Watts?" asks James Cook. He emailed in the other day, James, but didn't respond when I asked him about his #139 hit single Bulldog Nation. Well, Kevin?

2 min Gerrard is sitting back and dictating play, spraying passes around hither and yon. He passes to Carragher who tries his luck from 35 yards. Really, what was the point?

3 min Theobold flips Owen into the air like an egg. Free kick. Beckham takes a free kick which is pretty poor and is easily cleared by Lawrence. "Why has Crouchigol pierced his cheek with a ballpoint pen?" asks Richard Marsden, who has just spent the last 20 minutes staring at his monitor without once blinking.

5 min England are enjoying more of the ball, as you'd expect, seeing according to ITV there's only one team playing. Lampard takes a dig from 25 yards, Hislop fumbles and Owen races in to surely tap home from five yards. Except he doesn't; he sort of falls on top of the ball in mid air, sending it squirming out for a goal kick. Very poor. "Why oh why oh why do we bother?" asks Clive Hollingshead, on his third bottle of Tesco Value Gin. "We’ll be home before the postcards."

8 min England seem big on shooting from distance. Gerrard, Lampard and Joe Cole all just took a wild swipe at the ball within the space of about three seconds. Every attempt was easily charged down. Meanwhile Tim Shaw wants me to "ask James Cook, who asked about Kevin Kennedy, if he is the famous British navigator and explorer who allegedly died in 1779."

10 min A free kick for T&T wide out right. Yorke wastes it, but he didn't have many heads in the box to aim for. "I’ve been e-mailing in every match so far and none of my witty missives have been published, yet Kevin Kennedy get two banal questions on-line," complains Sean Cassidy. "Is this pandering to the stars? I’m going to e-mail in as Johnny Briggs next."

12 min Ferdinand finds himself wide right in the T&T box and scoops a ball across to Crouch, who attempts a bicycle kick but only succeeds in making himself look a bit like a wind turbine.

14 min Owen receives the ball, but as he doesn't have 30 yards of turf to scuttle into, has absolutely no idea what to do, and falls over. Kevin Kennedy (our Kevin Kennedy that is) has confirmed that he is not Curly Watts. "The only similarity is that I do live the same meaningless life."

15 min First real chance of the game for England, as Joe Cole sends in a deep cross from the left. Crouchigol is sliding in from the right, but can only shank the ball into the side netting. Oh for a 20-year-old genius who may or may not break his foot at any given moment.

18 min Theobold is booked for a nothing challenge on Gerrard. Beckham stands over a free-kick 25 yards out. It's a good chance but he whips it straight into the wall, a delivery so bad it would even shame Roberto Carlos.

19 min Read 18 min, except Whitley is booked for whacking Gerrard and Beckham's delivery is even worse.

21 min T&T knock it about for a bit, then give it back to England. Carragher throws a long ball into the box, which Crouch wins, but he's offside. Not that it mattered, the ball went straight up into the air. "Ask Tim Shaw, who asked about James Cook, who asked about Kevin Kennedy, if he is the host of Kerrang's Asylum radio show," writes, er, Bobby Sands. This stops now.

23 min Yorke wiggles down the right, nips inside and fires a cross which is deflected into Robinson's hands. It's not really that exciting, this. Ecuador's where it's at.

26 min Crouch wins a header which nearly finds Lampard in the box. It's bundled away. This is not very imaginative; at least the game's got a minute-by-minute report to match. "Crouch as a wind turbine? There's a thought," writes David Glen. "Stick the lanky striker a couple of hundred yards off the coast of the Shetlands, plug him into the national grid and tell him to wave his arms round. Who needs nuclear power?"

30 min Yorke was down injured for a bit there. The game was stopped for four minutes. It took me two-and-a-half to notice.

33 min There's nothing going on here at all. I really don't know what to say. England must have about 70% of the ball, but seem totally witless.

34 min Lampard takes a whack from 30 yards, but the ball's a good five yards wide and Hislop would have had it covered in any case. “Is Crouchie preparing for his summer holidays which start on 20 June?” asks Bill Castle.

36 min T&T win a corner. And nearly score from it. It's tapped short, and Yorke swings in a ball to the far post which Stern John meets with his head. He doesn't get any power behind it, under pressure from Carragher, and it sails past Robinson's post. The best chance of the match so far.

39 min T&T are beginning to work their way into this game. Yorke floats a ball into England's box which Lawrence heads over, though the goal was never in danger.

41 min A sort of chance for England as Michael Owen lets the ball clank off his shins in the T&T box. It runs to Lampard, who's free on the penalty spot. He blasts it over, as of course the English are wont to do from that position in major tournaments.

42 min Jesus Christ. Beckham crosses from the right to Crouch, who's standing alone six yards out in the middle of the box. He tries an acrobatic sweep... which barely goes out for a goal kick.

44 min Stern John beats an out-of-position Cole, a confused Ferdinand and a flapping Robinson to a high ball in the box... and John Terry has to clear off the line. "You have to hope that if England do emerge from this group that they play Germany in the next round," writes Graeme Byers. "Ecuador will murder them." Are England the worst team in the tournament? Discuss.

Half-time: England 0-0 Trinidad & Tobago. That was terrible. Yet strangely amusing.

Time to get the hot taps running, take a swig of Value Gin, and let the pain flow out dept. “OK,” writes Matt Moore. “So the first half wasn't that great. But now Sven has the chance to give them an inspirational team talk.”

And we're off again! No changes at half-time. Carragher immediately swings a ball into the box from the right; it's cleared with ease. Now, are England the worst team in the World Cup? “Only if you don’t consider the US a team, which is a valid stance after that hurting the Czechs put on us,” says Greg Urquhart.

47 min Hislop is booked for timewasting. Shaping up to be another exciting half of football, this. Thank the lord Argentina, Holland and the Ivory Coast are all playing tomorrow.

49 min Carragher bombs down the right again. At the moment, he looks England's most potent attacking force. Ah. Here, let's stop dwelling on the negatives. "I like these journeymen," writes Aleksandar Zizic. "The boy Joe Cole had a few nice touches and can beat his man. The wobbly afro-haired centre-back by the name of Rio shows nice awareness and willingness to play the ball. Perhaps a big club move awaits him in the near future?"

50 min Yorke goes on a long meander from deep inside his own half to deep inside England's. Nobody bothers much with a challenge until Joe Cole eventually steps in with his big feet and upends poor Dwight. A bit more drive wouldn't go amiss from England's point of view. On to matters of more import. “Enough of this Curly-bashing,” writes Liam Moloney. “I once shared a cab to Chorlton with Kevin Kennedy; he was a lovely man, who, despite the fact he was a sour-faced City fan and Corrie bore, was endearingly knowledgeable about the work of Willie Nelson.”

52 min Yorke makes another run from deep inside his own half, then feeds Birchill, who slips a fantastic ball into the box for Jones to hare after. Terry put him under enough pressure - goal kick - but it was half a chance. England will have to watch it.

55 min Crouch, labouring under the misapprehension that he's Matthew Le Tissier, flicks the ball up in the area with his back to goal and tries an overhead kick. The ball just about stays inside the stadium.

56 min England's first great chance of the match is missed by Owen, as he stoops and heads a deep free kick from Beckham wide of Hislop's left-hand post.

58 min: Def Con One in a Manchester office. Here he is. Owen trots off in a sulk, to be replaced by... Wayne Rooney. Lennon also comes on, with Carragher leaving the park.

60 min: ROONEY HAS KICKED THE BALL! He has kicked it. England will win the World Cup now, no worries. That's right, isn't it? “I think it's beyond dispute that Sven is worth every penny of his multi-million pound salary,” suggests Roger Foster. “To turn a team that looks sort of decent on paper into a bunch of totally clueless headless chickens takes a rare sort of talent.”

63 min Rooney sends Ashley Cole down the left with a reasonable pass which, if the tone of Clive Tyldsley's voice is anything to go by, is slightly better than the one Pele gave to Carlos Alberto in the 1970 final. Meanwahile Chris Bond's after a favour: "My work firewall has blocked Betfair. Can anybody tell me the odds on Alex Ferguson having a heart attack in the next 30mins?"

65 min England are running this game, of that there's no doubt. According to Tyldesley and Gareth Southgate on ITV, that is. All I see is a few confused men running around aimlessly and with an increased sense of panic, but then again I'm just simple folk.

67 min Joe Cole is beginning to see a bit of the ball, pinging it left and right; just like in the Paraguay match, he seems the only player trying to get things moving. Lampard was booked a minute or two back, by the way, for a foul on Jones.

69 min Beckham slings in a ball from the right. It finds Crouch six yards out. I'm not even going to bother describing what happened next.

70 min T&T sub: Jones off, Glen on. There's going to be 20 more minutes of this.

72 min England win a free kick out on the left, in roughly the same area Beckham sort-of-scored against Paraguay. But this time the captain's delivery is laughably bad, barely getting off the turf, and Glen picks the ball up, runs 60 yards and takes a shot on goal (which is blocked). "I can’t see the game, but it seems as though that picture of Crouch is actually an action shot from today’s match," writes David Smith. "Why hasn’t that wastrel been replaced yet?"

75 min Joe Cole off, Downing on. Glen goes on another long mazy run which nearly ends in glory; once again he's blocked at the last. Down the other end, Crouch is penalised for holding Lawrence back and pulls his own shirt above his head, like a four year old who isn't allowed to watch any more TV before bedtime.

77 min What a miss from Lampard, who spins on the penalty spot with nobody in attendance and shoots straight at Hislop.

78 min Another chance for Lampard; eight yards out, he drags a shot straight across the face of goal when it was easier to score (or indeed hit Hislop, which would have been more likely, the way things are going).

80 min Hearts in mouths time for England as John chests down a long ball, turns and shoots; it's just wide. Good defending from Terry, there, who stuck with him well. A question from Ruaraidh Gillies: "Would a score of 0-0 be viewed as better or worse than Scotland’s 1-1 draw with Iran in 1978?" I think we all know the answer to that, eh?

82 min Lennon's been lively since he came on (not that you'd have been able to tell from my commentary, so sorry about that) and he wins a corner after a determined run down the right. Once again, though, all the good work is wasted. England's dead-ball delivery today has been terrible.

83 min: England 1 - 0 Trinidad & Tobago. Beckham crosses from the right. It's deep, and it's Crouch v Sancho at the edge of the six-yard box. He heads it home. Relief. Can you tell the heart's not in this?

86 min T&T can't get the ball at the moment. England's supporters are singing "football's coming home". Have they no shame?

89 min Goal or no goal, David Keddie answers Ruaraidh Gillies's question with the sort of definitive stat I like: Population of Scotland 5,000,000, Iran 68,000,000; population of England 60,000,000, Trinidad 1,000,000. Works for me.

90 min Liverpool 2 - 0 Trinidad & Tobago. Shaka Hislop must be sick of the sight of Steven Gerrard who turns Wise 30 yards out and... well, just picture the last minute of this year's FA Cup final, and there you have it. What an amazing goal. What an amazingly flattering result.

90+2 min Stern John backheels a cross into Robinson's net. Think Lee Sharpe for Manchester United v Barcelona in (I think) 1993. But it's ruled out for offside. Which I'm not too sure about...

FULL TIME: That's it, 2-0. Well, everyone will be all excited again, I'm sure, but if I were supporting England I'd be very worried indeed. That was abysmal. Expect the Germany-Ecuador game to end 17-16, as both teams try to throw the game for the right to meet this utter shambles of a side. Still, the only way is up, eh? And at least it wasn't too hot.

http://football.guardian.co.uk/worldcup2006/minbymin/0,,1788265,00.html
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#10461 - 16 Jun 06 05:35 Re: England 2 - 0 Trinidad & Tobago
juminten Offline
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Registered: 08 Dec 05
Posts: 3870
Loc: disana-disini
Go UK..Go UK!!!
hey my bro..*hugs* where are you? at work? I'm having my lunch, its 2.30 now! I know..its late but, meeting was rather boring..
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#10462 - 16 Jun 06 05:42 Re: England 2 - 0 Trinidad & Tobago
Magpie Offline
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Registered: 29 Mar 06
Posts: 1306
Loc: The Toon
Quote:
Originally posted by wallet-digga':
Go UK..Go UK!!!
hey my bro..*hugs* where are you? at work? I'm having my lunch, its 2.30 now! I know..its late but, meeting was rather boring..
Am right here, just about time for Friday coffee for my team (Tea for me, always black strong boot tea if I can possibly help it). And sweetness, if you read that post you will see that they guy was describing how terrible England were in their match. I posted it because I thought it was funny, and it nearly guarentee's response, especially from PB! wink
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#10463 - 16 Jun 06 05:52 Re: England 2 - 0 Trinidad & Tobago
juminten Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 08 Dec 05
Posts: 3870
Loc: disana-disini
Wheres PB? ...

back to work my bro...see you in afew hrs...
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I need more money and power and less shit from you people!

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#10464 - 16 Jun 06 06:58 Re: England 2 - 0 Trinidad & Tobago
Polar Bear Offline
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Registered: 23 Nov 05
Posts: 6177
WHO CARES!

We won. We won 2 0. End of story….

England traditionally start out like this. Fuck me, the BEF (British Expeditionary Force) in WW1 was totally annihilated at the Battle of Mons in late 1914. The BEF in France in WW2 had to be dragged off the beach at Dunkirk. In both cases the doomsayers were moaning that it was all over.

We always come from behind (*V*) and pull something out at the last minute. (That sounds like my sex life, but I am talking about soccer…. MT – can I come from behind you and pull something out at the last minute?)

But seriously, this is the English way. It stops us from getting arrogant like the rest of Europe…..

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#10465 - 16 Jun 06 07:20 Re: England 2 - 0 Trinidad & Tobago
Magpie Offline
Member**

Registered: 29 Mar 06
Posts: 1306
Loc: The Toon
PB, if the Argies win, i will buy you a beer from my winnings, you will deserve it, due to your ongoing loyalty. smile
_________________________
"People say funny things......."

Peter Kay

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#10466 - 16 Jun 06 07:27 Re: England 2 - 0 Trinidad & Tobago
Polar Bear Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 23 Nov 05
Posts: 6177
Well if you can’t be loyal to England, who can you be loyal to?

Rule Britania, Britiania Rules the Waves.

Engulund Engulund Engulund
Engulund Engulund Engulund
Engulund Engulund Engulund


Any girls want to bet a night of wild sex with me on England winning? If they win you lie down and open up.

If they lose you lie down and open up….

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#10467 - 16 Jun 06 08:07 Re: England 2 - 0 Trinidad & Tobago
Dilli Offline
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Registered: 26 Feb 06
Posts: 8044
Loc: Nearest Bar
Thay were shite! Did not deserve to win!
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#10468 - 16 Jun 06 08:21 Re: England 2 - 0 Trinidad & Tobago
Polar Bear Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 23 Nov 05
Posts: 6177
... and gentlemen in England now abed will think themselves accursed they were not here and hold their manhood cheap, while you supported us……. Etc. Etc.

We can’t win. If we hammered bloody Tobago into the ground 15 0 everyone would be saying overkill, mismatch, unfair etc.

Lets just get through this round and play the big boys…..

Dirst round games are always a bit of a wank. At the moment Australia is blowing its horn cos it beat Japan. On points that actually makes then look pretty good. They are in the same group as Brazil……

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