So at some point a year or so ago, a couple of fellas must have been imbibing in some ostentatiously minimalist, wannabe-trendy emporium in the EX mall (as in, "my Ex hangs there"??), feeling expansive, heady, even reckless, when one says to the other, "you know what this town needs?" And the other imbiber says without hesitation, "why yes, it is absolut-ly essential for someone to start a Muscovite vodka bar with a neo-Fluxus, postmodern Bauhaus look where bar-top dancers can feel welcome, and well-funded Jakartans of all stripes can trip on a dizzying array of exotic cocktails with vodka as the active ingredient."

The other guy looks at his mate and says, "Duuuude, exaaactly!"

So now there's a place called Red Square (the real one is Moscow's answer to Monas Park), located in the Arcadia Annex behind Plaza Senayan. It's the distance of one opposite-field Barry Bonds dinger from the Senayan softball fields.

As odd as it would sound to someone back home in Lowell, Massachusetts who can only perceive Indonesia as an impoverished, corrupt Third World target of fundamentalists hell-bent on blowing everything and everyone back to the "good ol' days", this upscale Russian vodka bar with trendy disco-fied rap and Stadium-esque beats really works. I almost expected to see surround-sound newsreel footage of Nikita Khrushchev taunting West-Bloc citizenry -- pounding his shoe on a table and vowing to "bury you!" unless you order more Smirnoff and put your shoes up on the bar and do the Barynya to the accompaniment of balalaikas. Alas, no Nikita, just lots of wild variations of vodka and loads of nearly hip 20- and 30-something offspring of Jakarta's bold and beautiful. In their own words, from the Red Square website (http://www.redsquarejakarta.com/ ), "Red Square is Jakarta's first Russian themed vodka bar, which creates, flairs, prepares, and then serves up the most complete selection of imported vodkas, flavored vodkas, infused vodkas, vodka martinis and vodka stick cocktails."

Within the novelette-like menu, Red Squarists are titillated by pictures of lasciviously clad clubbers at full throttle on the left (where else) and the aforementioned dizzying array of vodka variations -- including things that dip, suck, bite and shoot -- on the right of each page. And while I did not try the food last Saturday night when I was there, it sure looked appetizing. The Chicken Shashlik photo in particular made me salivate something fierce, but I needed to conserve stomach space to adjudicate upon as many liquid refreshments as inhumanly possible.

The Saturday night crowd took its time moseying on in, but by 11 or 12 the place was heaving with small groups of expats, from the East, West and Middle, as well as groups of Indonesians. Oddly, as my comrade cum co-conspirator and I noted, each group kept to itself, despite the cocktail party-on-'roids vibe, which normally would be very conducive to mingling. Later, as the music was pumping at decibels-be-damned levels, a crew of pre-arranged bar-top dancers got up and did their thing. Afterward, with perhaps 222-MANY ringing somewhere among the neural synapses in my skull, I coolly posed a question to one of the dancers. I asked her how glad she was that the Cold War had thawed and Khrushchev didn't bury me, but there appeared to be a fundamental disconnect as she screwed up her face and bolted to the bar to get a "shot injection"! Apologies, but this language and this writer are wholly unequal to the task of describing this feat of derring-do. You just gotta see it with your own mouth.

If you decide to, Red Square is open each day from lunch onward. There are several theme nights throughout the week, including Ladies Night Thursdays with buy-1, get-1 free Vibe-rators. Most drinks are between 40 and 60 (at least those are the numbers on the menu), and happy hour is from 4:30 to 7 pm Monday through Friday.

Suffice it to say, this is not your father's Cold War-era Moscow. This is a place where Paris Hilton would be most nights, should she ever swing through Jakarta.

Here's the 411 on getting in touch with Red Square:

Plaza Senayan Arcadia, Unit X-105
Jl. New Delhi , Pintu I Senayan
Jakarta 12710 - Indonesia

Telp : +62 21 5790 1281
Fax. : +62 21 5790 1286
Email : redsquarejakarta@gmail.com

what's a 411? some obscure US cultural reference??

You've been out of the loop and you're dating yourself again Pak KuK. Yes, when you dial 411 on your telephone in the USA, you get the "information operator". But.. for the last 20 years or so, it has become a global code for "info" made popular by world-famous rap/hip hop singers, and/or in loads of movies etc, etc... When I was doing the article, I asked several people if they understood what it meant (local and non-US expats) and everyone under 40 knew exactly what it was...

AND... the point of it was to drop a little hint that the Bar is not the type of place where over 40s hang out or would like.

AND... to emphasize the fact that Kuku is WAAAYY over 40

"Suffice it to say, this is not your father's Cold War-era Moscow. This is a place where Paris Hilton would be most nights, should she ever swing through Jakarta."

I would say it would say it would more suit Lindsey Lohan or Tara Reid.

I wrote this in early 2006 (before Ms Hilton had gone completely off the rails), and I've never heard of those two other fellows... so call it poetic license.

Looks as though the dancing can get quite interesting there also!

not being funny here -- but that bird looks exactly like my ex-girlfriend ... she was a crazy yank girl from Texas. I am now going to e-mail the pic to others to get confirmation!

Was her party popper frequently hanging out?

Nah, I think it was for the Christmas period only

just had response from friend in USA --- says it could be her. Will now e-mail her to find out

Chewwy,

The photo was culled from the net! It did not take place in red Square. It was me who added the title...

yes i could guess that by the fat ugly white people in the club ... had it been a background of attractive indo girls with short skirts and low tops then i would have been on the phone to BRIMOB for protection from the mentalist!

Sadly since Riccardo wrote that, the place is more commonly full of guys who look like they're the spill-over from TigaPuluh / BATS etc.

No wonder Chewwy likes it so much! He fits right in!

Red Square is the absolute pits. Almost as bad as Hard Rock Cafe or BATS. And don't even mention CJs. What is the fucking point of going to a bar/pub/nightclub if you have to push and queue for several minutes (or even half-a-minute) to get a drink? And what's with these friggin barmen and barmaids wasting time by juggling and flipping the bloody bottles and glasses? "Two beers - no bullshit please." And the music in those places tends to be dreadful. Worst of all, they rarely allow you to pass out and sleep there after closing time. By comparison, the bars on Palatehan and Jaksa don't kick out sleeping alcoholic losers. There's nothing finer than starting the day by waking up (with drool-encrusted chin and trousers) in a shitty seedy bar in Jaksa, or on a table at D's Place or in the staff changing room in Lintas Melawai. Always a friendly jaga to cadge a smoke off you and unlock the door to let you out.
My first visit to Red Square was in the company of some cunt who should best remain anonymous. Let's just call him Polisi Cakep. The place was like a sick hybrid of Tiga-Puluh/Tanamur catering for stupid elderly ABG and bule. Perhaps it was only because I ran out of cigarettes, but I fled that hell-hole and took a cab to the sanctuary of Jaksa. Whereupon walking into a bar and sitting down I was immediately served a large Bintang without even having to order it.
As for the bars in Australia, well, it's no wonder I'm now a teetotaller.

"Always a friendly jaga to cadge a smoke off you and unlock the door to let you out."

That was no Jaga, you owe me a smoke!

Made out of tempe was it? Honestly, of all the dirty rotten tricks.

Tempe Shashlik? That's a good name for a band.

so many internasional food in indonesian now,

hello roy, glad to be you, still live in there.because i almost 6 year in taiwan,iam very miss the indonesian foodhahahaha.......

I think I have a picture of a chicken arsehole kebab that the Taiwanese seem so fond of.

What part of Taiwan?

so,taiwan so many kind food,maybe not enougfh money in pocket, if u want eat at all, but i willy like taiwan fruit,because a fruit fresh,bigger,and so sweet more than i have eat

are u tourism or stay in indonesia,orany else