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#35430 - 03 Nov 06 12:12 PB/The Pirates of Peking
KuKuKaChu Moderator Offline
Pooh Bah

Registered: 09 Oct 05
Posts: 10791
Loc: Centre of the Universe
From an Undisclosed Source

The Pirates of Peking

Chapter one

"Lard ahoy" came the cry from the lookout.

"Idiot - you mean Land Ahoy" shouted Captain Custard, his weather-beaten features straining as he looked up the mast to the crows nest.

"No", came the reply, "for tis the young Ayam Shesca". The lookout pointed across the open expanse of ocean to a large dirty blob on the horizon.

"By God so tis" yelled Custard, as he pushed the cabin boy from his knee. "Careful men, for she carries a full compliment of soldiers".

"And the pox" retorted the lookout. The crew murmured in agreement, looking at each other in fear.

"I'll give a gold doubloon to the first man to board her" yelled Custard, trying to inspire his men to bravery.

"She's been boarded nightly for nigh on 20 years Cap'n", said the old sailmaker, "and no man who's been aboard has ever survived".

With a sudden flourish Capt Custard whipped out his cutlass and stepped onto the poopdeck. The entire crew stood to attention, apart from one he accidentally skewered on the way, and who now lay moaning on the floor. "My hearties" he said in a loud commanding voice, "we are about to board the biggest shit in the world".

Loud farts erupted at this, and Custard quickly moved to the upwind side of the ship.

"Don't you mean biggest ship" gasped the young cabin boy.

I know exactly what I mean" muttered Custard putting his telescope to his good eye.

"By gad men, look how she moves so gracefully and elegantly. Look at that magnificent pair of spinnakers straining to hold themselves in. Look at her waterline, big, rounded and shapely" he continued. "No need to be afraid my boys, for our HMS JakChat is commanded by old Admiral KuKu, with Dili Dilettante as bosun".

The crew muttered in agreement, apart from the one dying on the floor, who tried biting Custards toes off in revenge.

"She is a fast flighty young thing, but nothing to be afraid of " said the gallant Captain, stepping on the arm of the injured man. "Man the topsails, splice the mainbrace and pull the plonker" he ordered, as with a flourish he untied part of the rigging.

There was a loud scream and a crash, and the sailor on the other end of the rope fell to the deck. "bugger" muttered Custard, who had always wondered what that rope did.

The crew of the HMS JakChat raced up and across the rigging, risking life and limb to get underway. Teams of sailors heaved on ropes, others unfurled sails, others climbed up masts. Custard looked up admiringly at his men, fit, agile and dangerous pirates every one.

"Brown Eye" he roared, "I have told you before. Never climb the rigging without your daks on".

"Sorry Cap'n" came the reply.

We'll never overhaul her Cap'n" said the coxswain, "she is too fast for us".

"Shut up you old sea dog, for she has been overhauled more times than an FJ Holden".

And slowly the HMS JakChat gained on the Ayam Shesca, until she came within range.

"Load the turd cannon", yelled Custard, and his men cringed in terror.

"Not the turd cannon" they pleaded, for they knew the consequences of a misfire, and knew such fearsome weapons of mass destruction were banned under the rules of naval engagement.

'The turd cannon" roared Custard. "This Ayam Shesca has been deep in the shit before".

The gunners heaved and strained at the gun, and eventually the ammunition was ready. They loaded the gun, and took careful aim.

"Fire at my command" shouted Custard, when there came a sudden cry from the mizzenmast "Fat Guts on the port bow!".

And sure enough, the SS Dutch Guy was sailing into view, Hatred in their eyes, the crew needed no order, and swung the dreaded turd cannon onto the new threat.

"Sink them all" cried Custard, and the great gun boomed out.
KuKuKaChu: dangerously too sophisticated

#35436 - 03 Nov 06 21:55 Re: PB/The Pirates of Peking [Re: KuKuKaChu]
Dilli Offline
Pujangga Besar

Registered: 26 Feb 06
Posts: 8044
Loc: Nearest Bar
I can categorically say that I am not the undisclosed source
Menace to Sobriety

#35437 - 03 Nov 06 21:57 Re: PB/The Pirates of Peking [Re: Dilli]
KuKuKaChu Moderator Offline
Pooh Bah

Registered: 09 Oct 05
Posts: 10791
Loc: Centre of the Universe
thank you for that invaluable information, bosun.
KuKuKaChu: dangerously too sophisticated

#35502 - 04 Nov 06 10:37 Re: PB/The Pirates of Peking [Re: KuKuKaChu]
KuKuKaChu Moderator Offline
Pooh Bah

Registered: 09 Oct 05
Posts: 10791
Loc: Centre of the Universe
Another missive has just arrived from Major Smallpiece, as follows:

Well we are almost there. Almost at the climax of Lord Tugwells expedition to find the source of the Ayam River, in the darkest jungles of Java.

Our plan is to follow the flow of Ayams North, until we can determine the true source. Most of this region has never seen a white man. Or at least that’s what the girls claim. I don’t believe them, since then all have cellphones full of numbers.

Most of the team are done for. Dutch Guy lost his mind days ago. He thinks he is a sex object, and keeps saying “every girl wants a short time with a short guy”. I don’t know how long he will be with us. About ten minutes if Tugwell has his way.

Bob is far more cagey. I have notices the candles have started to disappear at an alarming rate, and Tugwell says Bobs’ underpants now smell of grease. Please don’t ask why Tugwell sniffs everyone’s underpants. He says it is for scientific purposes. It might also not be prudent to wonder where Bob is keeping the candles, or why.

At least our two guides, Kuku and Dili, seem to know what they are doing. At least Kuku does. We have no idea about this Dili character, since he speaks in unintelligible dialects, and is constantly tugging something under his multicoloured loincloth. No doubt Captain Custard will get to the bottom of it.

Kuku, the brighter of the guides, has already hinted that he thinks the vast flow of Ayams commences at a place called Jalan Jaksa. This disproves Tugwells original theory that it starts in the valleys of Blok M.

If we were to plan the expedition again I would do things differently. The idea of finding tent poles as we went didn’t really pay off. Tugwell and I manage with no problems, we always find something long and stiff to keep the tent up. In fact we sleep in what could be classed a two story palatial marquee!

Others are not so lucky. Dili and Kuku may as well sleep in the open. They only seem to manage to keep the tent up for half an inch, then only for a few seconds a night.

Piss Salon our cartographer made an interesting discovery today. He found a great lake of cloudy polluted water that is unsafe to drink, and repels everyone with its foul taste. He named this "Lake Bintang", and to celebrate the discovery we all urinated into it. Piss says one day it will be famous as a local poison. The locals will probably drink it.

He also thought for some time he had found a large mountain range, however it later proved to be one of the porters called Shesca. Poor girl had fallen on her back in the mud. We left her there, however Piss had the forethought to place marker beacons on each peak in case low flying zeppelins attempted to mate with them.

Our porters are a hardy bunch of local girls, who seem capable of carrying great weights on their shoulders. They are dressed in a traditional short cloth wrapped around the waist, and have no modesty or shame. Exposed breasts seem to be normal, and given the view as they struggle up the mountainside, they wear no undergarments either. This has caused some confusion to Lord Tugwell, who at one stage thought he was travelling on the London Underground again and attempted to push the "next stop" button.

The female porters seem to enjoy the attention, and urge each other on with traditional cries of "taksi money meeesta" and "only three hundred thousand meesta". They seem obsessed with fruits, and one porter called Jokey Jokey Girl follows Captain Custard all day shouting “big Bannana meesta”. I believe he has given her a big banana several times, but she seems to still be hungry.

Tonight we have set up a modest camp of 200 tents near a small village called Bandung. Kuku the guide advised us not to visit the locals, who are from the Pissoffbules tribe. Apparently they will leave our camp alone due to the constant anal eruptions from Dili and the girls. They think its some ancient god returned to haunt them. I must say the expedition team members sleep upwind of them, and wear earplugs to dampen the noise.

Chewy the expedition anthropologist, asked the girls to demonstrate their reputed skills with a blowpipe. There seems to have been some confusion, as Ella and Macan Tutal dragged poor chewy into the jungle before we could stop them. Despite our searches we could not find the poor chap for several hours. Eventually they returned him safe and well. Chewy declined to say exactly how the blowpipe demonstration went, however we assume it proved of interest, since he hasn’t stopped smiling since. The two girls are still smiling as well, so they must have enjoyed his company.

Well M’dear. This candle is almost out, and I am not up to groping for another one. Tomorrow Tugwell and I will set out alone to find the source. We might not make it back for some time. I hear Stanley is getting near, and Livingstone may already be there. If so we may have quite a party. If I don’t make it back tomorrow, think of me every time you get a cucumber out of the garden.

Major Smallpiece
Second in Command
British Ayam Expedition 1889
KuKuKaChu: dangerously too sophisticated

#35503 - 04 Nov 06 10:41 Re: PB/The Pirates of Peking [Re: KuKuKaChu]
Choc_Cow Offline

Registered: 25 May 06
Posts: 1200
Loc: Di Puncak
Hmmmm who's this mysterious writer?.. PB/the pirates of peking..PB..somehow that rings a bell..


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